u/Emily00marie

Hi loves!

It's not easy to leave. You love this person, you build a life with them, and you hope for healing.

But from everything I've experienced and extracted from other peoples experiences, your life as you know it completely changes. Your world view is destroyed.

I'm begging anyone, especially the younger women with no kids, are not living with this person, are not married- END IT.

Go now before you lose a piece of yourself that you can never get back.

Please please please.

I sincerely think back to all the moments I chose to stay and wish I hadn't. Wishing I could back to force myself to have left. I often reflect on why I don't nor didn't (and it wasn't for lack of trying lol). I sincerely wish I could back to all the times I found out and instead of feeling desperate and worthless and begging for answers; I would have had some self respect and just left. Completely disappeared from this man's life and focused on MY healing.

It's not too late, but it's so much harder to let go now.

At the same time, living your life anxious and worried all the time isn't the right way to live either.

If you leave, it's a temporary pain. The type that comes with any breakup.

If you stay, your life is altered forever and this betrayal will always be a part of your story in this relationship.

When I first started looking at these forums I wish I would have extracted that myself. I wish I wouldn't have deluded myself into thinking things can better, and healing is possible, and everyone goes through this.

But just because it's common, doesn't mean it's okay.

I wish I would have realized how being in love with a PA would detroy me, and left before I got too invested. Left before we moved in together.

But I was so convinced and had so much faith things would change.

That he was truly committed to recovery and saw the pain he caused me and wanted to help me heal.

Now I see it for what it is.

I don't want to let him go.

All I want is for this hurt and anxiety and desperation to go away and to start again. To live a normal life and be in a normal relationship again, not one filled with paranoia.

Hoping that our relationship won't always feel tainted. That there will be trust and love again. And the PTSD will slowly go away.

I keep deluding myself into believing this was God's will.... but I'm destroyed day in and day out.

I don't intend to be mean or cruel.

But as an older sister- I would beg my sister to leave this man if it were her.

I'm not strong enough....

My confidence and selfworth plummeted. I became too commited to the idea of a future with him that now it's so ardous to let go. The grief would consume me.

I'm battling myself everyday knowing that I don't deserve to live this way but also thinking I'm not enough. Thinking of how much more peace I'd have without him, but also wanting my life with him and being so happy with him.

Because when things are good, they're good....

But as the saying goes: the highs are high.....and the lows? They're fucking lowwwwwww.

So please please please.... to anyone considering leaving.... GO!

Do it for those of us that can't.

Do it for those of us that are struggling to.

If you were ever looking for a warning, or a sign, or anything- here it is:

You don't deserve this. You are worthy of Godly love. You have the strength to leave and you will be okay when you do!

You are beautiful, strong, so intelligent, and most importantly you're a child of God. Don't forget, you are a child of the most high. You are royalty. You are innately worthy!!!

-With love🤍

My PA has been clean for 3 weeks now. He was clean for 3 months and then fell twice in the span of two weeks.

I went on a famiily vacation after he promised he wouldn't betray me again and he watched prn.

2 weeks later I wanted to end things and sent him to his parents for some space. He fell again.

Both times he used his moms phone and I'm disgusted.

It's been 3 weeks and everything seemed to be okay.

I made the choice to forgive him and try again.

A year ago I found out he had a secret facebook account he used to goon. It was an entire fight and it was really awful. He deleted it but not before I saw what he had been looking at.

It wasn't even naked girls.... it was thirst traps.

It felt worse.

All he needed were attractive women to get off to, but would tell me we couldn't have sex to "abide by God".

I love God, he has taken care of me so much.

But it felt like an even worse betrayal.

Today we were talking and facebook came up again. Instantly I filled with hurt and anger.

How could he do this to me?

How could he hide a facebook account?

How could he ever expect me to believe he thinks I'm beautiful when his eyes were for other women?

I keep trying to understand and get answers.

He says he regrets it and never wants to do it again- that he never meant to hurt me. But he also never stopped?

I hear people do recover but the stress of it all is too much to bear sometimes.

I feel like I'm going insane.