u/Emergency_Emu_8821

When I was 20, (7 years ago) my dad was diagnosed with an advanced cancer. It was completely heartbreaking to watch him dissolve so quickly. My father was the bluest of blue collar, most hard working, outdoorsy type of man. Instantaneously he began sleeping most of the day and barely leaving the house. I was in college at the time for my bachelors degree and freshly married. Me and my husband didn’t get along that well in all of this and ultimately had decided we would separate… then I found out I was pregnant. I told my parents and told my husband, but I told my mom that I was considering deleting the fetus because… there was just so much other stuff going on between my father being terminally ill and my separation and school. I really did not know anything at all about babies. My mom sobbed hysterically, calling me a monster and telling me if I get rid of this baby then I better make something good with my life since I “sacrificed” “her” (I was 4 weeks pregnant, we didn’t know a gender) for it, but if I kept the baby she would do whatever she could to help me. Babysit while I work, keep the baby, whatever she could. I kept the baby. Fast forward to 2020, my husband and I worked out our differences, had the baby, my dad luckily went into remission, and I finished out my semester just as COVID started messing things up. I had given up hope that I’d be able to continue school so I decided I would just move back home and be close to my parents, but to my surprise I was able to continue school online because with COVID, that was really the only option at that point. My mom told us she would have a room waiting on us for when we move back so we can stay while try to secure an apartment. Everything was looking up until we got there. We arrive and the room in question, has dirt caked into the walls from their dog being filthy and the floors are infested with fleas. My daughter was 6 months old at this point. When I asked her why she hadn’t bothered to just wipe the walls or get a flea pill for her dog (which were available to them for incredibly low since my dad was friends with a vet) she said that it was actually my dog who had fleas (he didn’t) and I am just not grateful. It wasn’t long before I realized that she had quickly withdrawn from caring about anything at all. My father was left to do all the house chores while she worked. Sometimes when she said she was at work, she was just parked at the park talking on the phone. She was cruel to my dad when he told her that he was in pain. She would say that he’s lying or say things like “here we go again” or “it’s always something with you isn’t it?”. Mind you, he had a cancer that would literally eat away at his bones. He already suffered with severe arthritis and had spine, neck and hip surgeries prior to his cancer diagnosis. He was absolutely in all of the pain he said he was in. She didn’t want to watch my daughter when I asked her to, but she was very offended that I didn’t want to let her take a bath with my daughter after she got home from work. Another huge fight about me being disrespectful. My dad started telling me stuff, and it seemed he had figured out she was talking to another man. She would talk to him on the phone at all hours. When I confronted her about it, she diverted the conversation to how she is depressed, has no friends and she’s already grieved my dad. Nothing improved. She was sad and that’s that. Within a few days I managed to secure an apartment because I genuinely couldn’t tolerate being near her anymore. She told me that work had her going out of town for a meeting thing, but when I talked to my grandma, she told me that she was actually going to see the man she had been talking to on the phone. Surprise surprise. I called my mom to confront her, which ended in her calling me disrespectful and hanging up on me again, and then she came home to grab a few random belongings and left for good. Prior to her leaving, she had taken out an SBA loan on the home after a natural disaster and spent all that money elsewhere. After leaving, that money began being garnished from my father’s disability. Our phones were cut off because she quit paying the bill even though I just paid up the negative balance on the account in the amount of around $1000 and got a new phone that ended up locked because of the new negative balance. We had to reorganize our whole lives. Where I was just recently responsible for a new human, I was now responsible for my dad too. I didn’t know quite how to manage his heartbreak properly, I was heartbroken too, moreover I was pissed. I begged her to come home. I begged her. I told her I couldn’t do this. I was so afraid to do this alone. She told me to just die then. She told me I’m such a miserable person that she feels bad for my daughter and my husband for being stuck with me. She told me I don’t care about her happiness. I begged her even just to speak with my dad, but she couldn’t stick to it because she said he was too negative. She took their only reliable vehicle (which his disability was being garnished for since they used the SBA loan to buy it) and refused to give it back for years. I had to fight her tooth and nail to just mail back the key so we could pick it up in another state. The car had just been sitting in my grandmothers driveway. This began our new normal. My dad lived alone and I visited him frequently along with my other half siblings, he had friends and family that he saw more frequently, but he never stopped missing her. My maternal grandmother still came down to have Thanksgiving with us every year. We made the most of time with eachother the best that we could. The last time my dad spoke with my maternal grandmother, he told he that he wished my mom would just bring her crazy self home. I saw my dad through hospice to his death six months ago. He went on hospice the same month that my daughter started kindergarten. My mom has tried to be a more present figure in mine and my daughter’s life and I just feel nothing. My dad and my daughter were so close, and I had a wonderful pure relationship with my dad. I never doubted myself or doubted him, I knew we loved each other unconditionally. It’s not comparable. I don’t know what there is to love about her anymore. I don’t know her anymore. I’ve seen her maybe 3 times a year for over half a decade now. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I miss my dad. I hate what she did. I don’t know if there’s any real resolution. She defends leaving still like she can’t understand that the things she said and did in the process had an impact. I feel really alone now. I feel the anger and resentment of her leaving now more than I have in the past few years. I have cared for people who needed me for so long. I go to therapy now.