The feeling right before a meltdown - from the mind of a 6 year old with Autism and ADHD
Most people just see the behavior. They see the yelling, the perfectionism, the anger, and the meltdowns.
What they don’t see is the scared human underneath it all. The child who has lost any ability to find a path forward.
Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to get my 6-year-old to describe that feeling to me. The feeling right before a meltdown.
One night during bedtime she casually dropped that sometimes she feels like “a flip flop that can’t walk.”
At first, it sounded silly and I almost brushed it off, but something about it seemed important so I leaned into her metaphor. She explained that it’s the feeling she gets when she starts to spiral. She gets stuck and she can’t figure out how to move forward.
“Sometimes I can’t get out of it. So the flip flops are a warning sign that I made up for when I am going to do badness.”
She made up a warning sign? For HERSELF? Woah.
I gently explained to her that she does not “do badness.” She’s a kid struggling with emotions flooding her mind and body that are sometimes too big for her to navigate.
Don’t get me wrong, behavior matters. Boundaries matter. We continuously work on accountability and repair with her. But punishment alone isn’t going to teach her what to do when her brain gets stuck.
So now, instead of only reacting to the explosion, we’re trying to help her recognize the moment before it happens. The moment when her frustration turns into panic because she is unable to find another way through the problem.
We are working on taking off the stuck mental flip flops and put on a different pair of shoes before the feelings erupt.
I told her that someday she’s going to look back and realize that even though things were really hard when she was 6, she made it through. That she’ll have friends she loves, a mind she can trust, and a life that feels safe(r).
“You’re going to be okay,” I assured her.
She looked at me incredulously and asked, “But what if I’m never???”
“Then you’ll just keep trying. And me and Daddy will be right next to you every step of the way.”
I don’t want to give her false hope that things will always be easy. But I’ll sure as hell assure her that she won’t have to struggle alone.