EMDR confusion
I've been thinking again recently how much that experience turned my life on its head.
Three or four years ago, I visited a therapist for the first time. I had no idea what was bothering me, but I struggled to work, and I just recently stated questioning my family relations. I partially cut contact a few years prior. I have not reflected much on my past, at least not with support.
We did some more 'functional' therapy, never going really deep. I liked her because she supported my independence, having had authority issues. She, however, didn't seem very interested in hearing about my childhood. I got an impression that she didn't find it beneficial.
However, she was very interested in me doing EMDR. I tried to ask her more about the process and what it does, how it works, and so on. She was vague in explanation. I didn't really understand, and I was afraid of 'false' memories. I decided to trust anyway.
The first session was fine. It didn't go too deep. After it I felt a lot of relief. The second session was where it got complicated. It seemed like it took me to an almost proverbial stage. The therapist misheard or misread my response at one point, and that mirrored something that came up during the session. I didn't want to upset her and prioritised reasuring her.
After that session, my life turned around. Walking in the park, I came to the conclusion that something horrible must have happened to me when I was very young. I never had any thoughts like that before. I had no memory to work with. Just a feeling, a suspicion I could not put anywhere.
A week later, in the cinema, a rude lady taped me hard on my shoulder for looking at my phone. The force from the hit to my shoulder glued me to the chair, and tears started pouring down my eyes uncomfortably. I could not move. I just had one, though. I felt small and dirty.
Later, when I told this to the therapist, she was sure it could not have been due to EMDR. I don't believe that. I feel I was pushed into something I was not ready for, but I did make that decision myself. She never took my history. I don't really think she knew me entering into the session. I don't think either of us was prepared.
Worst of all, I had to face my family in the next year. I felt cracked like an egg going about it. I thought I wouldn't survive. New fragments of information emerged through the interaction with my family, but I still can't say for sure what they mean.
I lived with that feeling now for years, believing emotionally in a horrible event, but knowing I don't know and trying to accept that I never will. It's still impossible for me to know what is true. Was it the EMDR that hurt me, or did I really uncover something.
I recently decided to start therapy again, but I don't know how to proceed.