What if I don’t get distracted by thoughts?
(About me 23 yo, practising Zen Buddhist meditation in my local sangha but don’t have easy access to any actual teachers)
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely mindwander, and quite often, the thing is. For me coming back from my thoughts is not a problem, at least if we understand it as ceasing to think. This part is pretty fine in my practice. The issue is the coming back part. I am so frustrated by it because almost all teachings omit this point. You are just simply expected to come back but what is coming back how is it done? After I recognize a thought as a thought I don't continue to think it, but I think the world is kinda not sharp enough, confusing and strange. Being present feels strange and often I just get intensely focussed on a point in space or sensation and everything else kinda fades away then, so when I try to invite some peripheral awareness in, I feel dizzy (not physically more like mentally). There is this feeling of heaviness after coming back
If I have some negative thoughts and I let them go my general state of aversion does not go away. So you may say that I should allow it to be. Fine but what if it makes me behave ugly towards my boyfriend or be mean to him, or be rude to someone at the store. I may not do it, and nowadays I almost never actually do any of this stuff but I feel the need. So I sit with my bf and we are watching TV and I feel like every comment he’s making about it is making me mad (but I also find them funny, and intelligent, so feeling mad is totally unconnected to anything) But I do not become ugly to him, buuuut I am spending the time that could be relaxing feeling what I am feeling at this moment
I also often just feel that I am, like really I can observe a lot but do very little and when I try to do something I get overwhelmed feeling not well enough in doing the thing. So I can be peeling potatoes and get this feeling that I am not doing this good enough and just stop kinda freeze there thinking about how to be more present but it is more like straining “come on do this” rather than thinking actual words.
So my question is how to deal with something like this, like this blockade that stops a lot of things that I do very quickly after I’ve started doing anything? Where to put my attention how to do it?