I recently ended things with my girlfriend because of religion, and I honestly feel like I’m falling apart.
I loved her. I still love her. This wasn’t a breakup because the relationship was bad, or because she did something wrong, or because we stopped caring about each other. It ended because I felt like our religions, families, and futures were pulling us in different directions.
My family had some involvement in it. I don’t want to make it sound like they forced me, because at the end of the day I made the decision. But their expectations definitely weighed on me. I knew what they wanted for me. I knew what kind of future they would accept. I knew that being with someone outside of my religion would always be complicated.
The part I feel the most guilty about is that everyone seemed okay with the idea of her learning about my religion. There was this unspoken feeling that if she learned more, understood it, and maybe eventually converted, then maybe things could work.
But when she asked me to do the same for her to learn about her beliefs, understand her background properly, or even consider meeting her halfway, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite, but it feels like it does. I expected openness from her that I wasn’t able to give back.
That’s what’s messing with my head the most. I keep asking myself whether I actually chose faith, or whether I chose fear. Fear of disappointing my family. Fear of doing the wrong thing religiously. Fear of building a future that would always come with conflict.
But now that I’ve ended it, I don’t feel peace. I thought maybe if I made the “right” decision, I would feel some sort of relief. Instead, I feel sick. I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve hurt someone who genuinely loved me. I feel like I betrayed her, and maybe betrayed myself too.
I keep hoping that one day this will feel like the right choice. That maybe the pain is just temporary and eventually I’ll understand why I had to do it. But right now, it just feels conflicting. One part of me is telling myself I did what I had to do. Another part of me is screaming that I made a huge mistake.
I don’t even want to go back to normal life. I don’t want to pretend I’m okay. I don’t want to act like this was clean or simple. I feel like running away from everything because I don’t know how to sit with the guilt.
I know religion matters. I know family matters. But she mattered too. And I don’t know if I used religion as a reason to avoid standing up for the relationship.
Is this guilt a sign that I made the wrong decision, or is it just the pain of doing something difficult? Please help I am falling apart.