u/ElectronicGift7939

m21 lost dad january 2025 he was my bestfreind we can share anything do anthing together he understands me completely I could do drugs if he new I was safe and only doing stuff a young person would do like exctasy at festivals coke at some birthdays he could understand everything within reason gave advice and never judged my mother completely different aprouch would still be giving out about me smoking weed even tho im in my 20s when she found about anything she would tell all my family like im a junkie enough ranting but now with him gone I wish for a relation ship that close again but what’s the point if she dies I’m gonna be more hurt if that makes sense bcs there also my bestfrwind and parent I don’t think I can take that again so I’ve been avoiding my mother or being to close is conver I shut it down any help am I wrong for that I hope someone can understand what I’m tryna say

M21 lost my dad last January to pancreatic cancer he was 39 he dealt with it for 4 years I think all of it has ruined my mental state I find it hard to talk about but I don’t think about him all day but I know I’m always gonna be affected by it even when I see young adults come into my work for coffee with there dads I feel jealous but not the type of jealous you would think I am happy for them but feel like I missed out I’ve had a few problems with drugs after his death I started taking Xanax valuims even Zimos but I don’t know why I’m not very depressed but it’s fine something to me I keep taking coke every week but I can’t talk to a therapist I don’t know what I’m feeling sorry for the rant guys

Late out night not every night I see him dying over and over again while I’m trying to sleep doctors put me on lexapro and it was no help it ruined me same as sertraline I closed off from Every one I’m off all doctors meds now yes I’m more social but I also do so more thing I’m not proud of I started smoking. Weed again and actually has been a help but with the coke every week has but fuckign my life up again slowly and it’s not an addiction I’m addicted to feeling not sober I could take anything to much if it makes me feel different I know it runs in my family but I’d rather be sober but I can’t stop myself if it’s not coke it’s weed it it’s not weed it’s tablets it it’s not tablets it’s alcohol