I’m a 17-year-old male, and I feel like a loser for not having lost my virginity yet. For context, when I was 16, I was really anxious—I didn’t want to drive or meet new people, so I avoided a lot of things. Now I’m in a long-distance relationship without a car or a job, and I feel like I’m dealing with the consequences of that.
I recently went back to my old town, where my friends and my girlfriend live. I got to see one of my friends (not my girlfriend, because she had other plans), and we spent time driving around, visiting people, and having fun. I’ve always been a bit jealous of the fact that he has a car, and I felt kind of stupid for not getting my permit and license earlier. But when he told me he wasn’t a virgin, it made me feel even worse about myself. I know I can change my situation with driving, but it still added to how I was already feeling.
This has been bothering me for a while. The other day, I was talking to my girlfriend, and she mentioned that her friends had told her they’d lost their virginity. I asked what she told them, and she said she told them she was waiting until marriage. That confused me, because we’ve talked about it before and have been pretty sexual in the past—she’s even told me she wanted that with me. I don’t have a problem with her wanting to wait, but it feels different now compared to what we discussed before.
Because of that, I feel like I’m coming across as some kind of sex-obsessed person for asking her about it and making it into a bigger deal. I don’t want to pressure her—I’d rather she be comfortable in the long run than do anything she’s not ready for now. I want it to be something meaningful, where we both feel ready and connected. At the same time, I feel selfish for wanting that before marriage. I’m not religious, but I do want to respect her beliefs and what she wants for herself.
I guess I’m just looking for help with how to not feel like a loser, and to understand if I’m being selfish for bringing it up to her.