u/Electronic-Spread-38

My ex and I were together for 5 years. I'm 22, he's 26. For the entire relationship, he kept me hidden.. wouldn't publicly acknowledge me, made me feel like a secret. He was emotionally manipulative and abusive. He told me I was "replaceable." He broke every single promise he ever made to me. When I was sad, angry, or uncomfortable, he would leave me completely alone to deal with it by myself. He turned me into an anxious, jealous version of myself that I promised I would never become. I spent 5 years begging for the bare minimum and he still couldn't give it to me.

The stress from this relationship gave me severe gastric pain and chest pain. My body was literally rejecting the connection because it was making me sick.

We've been broken up but still in contact. Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to create distance. I stopped sending our daily Snapchat streak. And every time I tried to pull away, he would reel me back in with breadcrumbs:

- He called me at 1am on a Thursday night, not to check on me or say he missed me, but to complain about his broken motorcycle. I answered twice that night for completely empty 5-minute conversations that happened during his gaming breaks.

- When I didn't send the streak one night, he reminded me about it earlier than usual the next day, like he could sense me slipping away.

- He left a public comment on my TikTok saying "syantik" (pretty in Malay), which he NEVER did when we were together. He hid me for 5 years and now suddenly he's publicly acknowledging me to pull me back in.

I recognized this pattern. Every time I go through withdrawal and try to let go, he reaches out. It's like he has a sixth sense for when I'm about to walk away.

Last night, I was spiraling hard. I was on vacation with my family in another city, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. A part of my brain kept making excuses for him.. "maybe he's not choosing me right now because his bike is broken and he can't afford me, maybe once his life gets better he'll realize he wants me back." I knew I was being delusional, but I couldn't stop waiting for him.

So I called him. I asked if he wanted to get back together, fully expecting him to say no so I could finally have closure and move on. But instead, he said "for now, yes" and talked about me "fitting his criteria." He didn't give me the rejection I needed to let go. He left me in this uncertain middle ground again.

This morning, I finally sent him this text:

"I think yesterday's whole conversation made me realize that I've been trying so hard to find certainty from someone who's still unsure about me. When I asked you if you wanted to get back together, I wanted a simple yes or no because I know I can't stay in something uncertain anymore. But your answer still left me in the middle, and I think that's what confuses me the most. I know you said 'for now yes' and talked about me fitting your criteria, but love shouldn't feel like I have to qualify to be fully chosen. I care about you a lot and a part of me still sees us working in a better version of ourselves together, but I can't keep holding onto maybes and what ifs because it's hurting me more than helping me. I don't want to be an option, and I don't want to keep waiting around hoping you'll become fully sure about me one day. So I think this is where I need to finally let you go because your answers say a lot. Take care of yourself."

His reply: "I'm gonna say very clearly. I want it to be you, always has been. I will continue later cause I'm working."

And now I'm right back where I started.. waiting. Waiting for him to finish work so I can hear the rest of whatever he's going to say. I KNOW this is manipulation. I know he just gave me a romantic movie line to hook my heart and then immediately put me back in the waiting room.

This is the same man who called me replaceable and broke every promise for 5 years, and suddenly "it's always been me"?

i genuinely can’t tell if:

* he actually wants me and is just emotionally immature/confused

or

* he only got more certain once he realized i was actually leaving

i still love him but i’m exhausted from feeling emotionally stuck in the middle. has anyone ever been in a situation where someone only became clear when you finally tried to walk away?

But I'm struggling so hard with the withdrawal. Part of me wants to block him right now before he texts back. Part of me wants to wait and hear what he has to say. Part of me is still making excuses like "what if he's actually going to change this time?"

I don't want to go back to him. I know I don't. But I can't seem to find the strength to actually walk away. How do I stop waiting? How do I block him before he sends the next message and pulls me back in again? I feel like I'm trapped in this cycle and I don't know how to break it

i know i sounds like I’m aware with the situation, I just couldn’t think properly.. (please be nice)