u/Electronic-Photo1456

Sorry this story is kind of long and maybe the grammar is not the best, also most won't care for it, but posting it here hoping it may resonate with someone, even one person. I have Maladaptive Dreaming and one thing I am replacing it with is writing stories/ journaling.

There was once a kid thrown into this world, we will call him Void. Void wasn’t always a void he was trained to be a void by his early experiences. Void had a traumatic brain injury event as a child it’s unknown how much symptoms he experiences today were a result from the TBI event. ADHD and OCD seem to run in his Family; with his earliest ADHD symptoms being the inability to draw a perfect outline of his hand while many of his peers were able to. Void’s family was always chaotic, and basically never loving, at least not that he remembers, there was always arguing, there was never affection, and if he misbehaved his mother would hit him. He was never enough for his parents. At an early age Void learned the ultimate coping mechanism, Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD), this was his first fantasy escape.

MD’s dopamine rush made sure Void was never bored, but now it also makes sure he is always bored when he’s not MD. When he was powerless getting bullied in school, he could daydream having the power to fight back his bullies. When his family was fighting and arguing he could just daydream a loving family. When he lacked an intimate partner, he could just spawn one in his head. What the ultimate form of escape. This fantasy made Void a void, he would never feel anything that he was not daydreaming about. This made him not feel any negative emotion, but also he wouldn’t feel anything positive.

As he got older he got into other forms of fantasy, first it was MD, then it was Porn, then it was Gaming then it was Drug use. Void lived so long in fantasy that the real world scared him, he developed DPDR, he also had social anxiety, a lack of intimate relationships, Anxiety, pure OCD, and spent hours daydreaming still. Void got lucky once with a woman who approached him for a fling, with nothing since, he’s actually had many women who liked him but he would rather go home and engage in fantasy, the real world was unpredictable but the world in his head was always predictable. If he didn’t reach out to that woman that he wanted to, he could just daydream that he did. He ended up gaining a bunch of weight and by 25 he was 220 pounds at 5’7.

Void forgot what started his journey but at 25 he started a year’s long journey that grew and grew, his goal was to not be a Void, he first started with a weight loss journey, then started going to events to meet folks and work on his social awkwardness, he lucked out and met a great group of friends. By 28 he had a decent group of friends but he could still not get super close to them, and finally that’s when Void realized his dopamine addictions stopped him from enjoying the real world,

DR K’s video on MD in particular hit home when he said “with MD…Suddenly your 30 and your life is empty” this hit him like a brick, A study on he read on MD which said MD is mostly an addiction in which the underlying problem being a lack of intimacy from friends/family/partner hit as well.

So with the help of Dr K’s video, which he found at 29, he started therapy, journaling, going to social event almost every day to work on social skills, attempting to get closer to friends, and making a real effort. He also finally decided to kick his dopamine addictions, he got rid of the Drug use at 27, but recently he’s being not gaming for 6 months, No porn for 4 months working in the reverse order of when each addiction started he is removing them one by one, replacing them with healthier habits, learning new languages, gym, journaling, cycling, he has lost 90 pounds since 25, is much more social, can almost go up to anyone and strike a conversation; one-by-one as he replacing his own thinking habits with new one he notices he has to force his new self less and less.

The last thing standing in his way, is the first thing he experienced, MD. He does notice as he becomes what he day dreams about the daydream become less severe, although they are hard to kick. He is noticing his self-esteem raise, the negative thoughts being replaced more easily; with the new CBT thoughts becoming more sticky, his anxiety is 80% gone, OCD is way better, DPDR is episodic not chronic and gets milder by the day; although its for sure two steps forward one step back, ADHD is somewhat better although the low dose of Ritalin helps some here.

The changes aren’t easy as he daydreams less, and he escapes less he is noticing he is feeling feelings a lot more, good ones, and bad ones. It's tough but he pushes on, and makes sure to feel them to help with his dissociation.

He is meeting more and more potential romantic partners in the real world, and has been on some dates. Although there is always a thought in the back of his head telling him he ruined his 20s by not doing all this earlier, or that he's doing all this for no reason since its too late, he's too old or whatever, he still perseveres and hoping one day he can feel intimate with a friend or romantic partner, something that Void has not had in his entire life.

12 step program for MD?