I (28f) have had several bad go’s at relationships some my fault and some the partners. I’m currently in an almost decade long relationship that has long been over..I just can’t get away just yet. But I’m just so genuinely curious if there are actually men out there that don’t raise their voices at woman? Or get so angry that they grab them and yell horrible things? Or throw things and break your things? Or threaten them with numerous different things?? And so much more..
Also in a normal relationship if you want to leave the person and you make that very clear do men accept that and work towards a cordial ending? Like is that real life or am I just so delusional.
I’m not even sure if I’m in an abusive relationship I wouldn’t say so…there’s been some abusive things happen but it’s not everyday. And the most recent incident has stayed with me for the last couple of months since it happened but that’s a whole different story for another time. But I wouldn’t call him abusive..because when I tell him I’m done and I want to leave one or two things happen. Either he is so incredibly helpful and kind for the next couple of weeks and I feel like an actual asshole or it gets bad. He’ll yell at me how no one will love me like he loves me, no one would have stayed through everything he has, he’ll call his mother or sisters to yell at them about me (in front of me), or if it’s just one of those moments he’ll drag me around and try to get me into the car to “go for a drive” so we can talk until I’m begging and saying no I’m not leaving him. He knows that it scares the shit out of me how he drives when he’s upset and he’ll pretty much risk anyone’s life while driving.
I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time and I’m honestly not even sure I love him. He forces me to say I love you back.
The way my body prepares and my heart races when I try to stand up for myself or I disagree with him is horrible…but I feel crazy because when I stand ready to defend myself he tells me why do I make him look so bad and act like I’m beat. He’s never beat me so why do I act like that sometimes.
And he hasn’t ever really beat me..he’s never full force punch me in the face and I know that.
I daydream so much anymore about meeting someone who I am actually attracted to; who wants to listen to me and that I can have an intellectual conversation with and enjoy time with. And I can’t help but feel like I’m living in a fairy tale land. I know I’m not perfect. I’m very far from, but somebody else would want me right? And there’s gotta be somebody that is kind all of the time, that no matter how upset they got at the stupid things I say they wouldn’t cross certain lines? Right??
I don’t know..I just want peace and I can’t waste my 20s settling anymore and pretending to be happy to keep the peace and pretending like I can’t go out and find that happiness..it’s just terrifying because of how much I have to go through to actually get away, the plans I have and how much money it’s going to cost and the time and energy and effort and risking my safety and relocating from my home for a while…
What if it’s all for nothing?
What if I do get out and I’m still miserable and I really did just go through all these hoops to leave someone who actually loves me so very much? Because I can’t doubt he does, he says it with so much conviction and says things about me that I just don’t think about for him..I don’t know if I’ve ever really loved at all.
But what if it’s all for nothing. And I’m out.
..just to forever be alone and unhappy instead of just unhappy.
Thanks for listening 😊