u/Electrical_Lie_9656

I was wondering if you could explain this to me, when my likely autistic, alexithymic ex boyfriend told me he didn’t miss me, I now understand (and at the time I did, too) that he was simply explaining how his brain works. When he told me he didn’t think about me during his work day (I also understood what he was trying to say at the time), he was explaining his hyperfocus, the same attention he gave me when we were together, the most intense affection that I still remember with longing.

But how come he didn’t understand how hearing that could hurt my feelings? How come I could understand his intent, be he could not understand the impact? We talked about this for a while, he didn’t understand. I don’t think I necessarily needed him to understand, but at least knew to stop because it hurt my feelings.

I posted last week wondering who would be compatible with someone who is conflict averse (therefore did not have the practice to repair) and is uncomfortable with emotional depth. My gut tells me this is a suffocating way to live, not enough air from such a superficial relationship. I think I’m still hung up on how that doesn’t make sense, it contradicts what I consider in a partnership.

But if I really think back, he had long lasting relationships 10+ years with friends who wete just like him. I was invited into their circle and they really don’t talk about anything that requires vulnerability. It was like parallel play, and I don‘t say that in a condescending way, they seemed to care about each other but at an arms distance. Even conversations with his family, his best friend, there wasn’t much actual sharing, mostly updates, jokes and zingers. If something hard was happening, the MO was to avoid. It almost seemed like averting their eyes and avoiding difficult discussions was their form of love.

And so when I shared my life experiences with him deeply, and he mirrored me, I imagine it felt strange at first but likely meaningful and at some point it became too close, too scary, and ultimately deemed wrong. ”Bad for me” he said at the end. He wanted containment. Self regulation not coregulation.

I don’t think I will ever quite understand people who live and avoid the hard things that bring us together but I can see how this could be the way that they express love, and it wasn’t working for me.

I can appreciate that avoidant people can surround each other with other avoidants and enjoy the companionship they share with each other. I don’t want to say my way is better, but it does seem that if you shy away from depth then you lose the vocabulary and skills to experience and share the full spectrum of life in your relationships, so I’m inclined to think it’s a harmful thing, but if it works for some people who am I to say that it’s worse than the way I see it?

Edit: writing this out and reflecting has helped me realize that he is never going to change. This is how he and his closest support system have functioned his entire life, optimizing comfort and pleasantries. Why would he feel compelled to change for me? That must have sounded crazy to him. I need to keep it moving. ruminating and trying to understand is only wasting my time. (I’ll probably post again next week though it’s actually so hard to let go of someone you fell in love with).

it was our first real adult relationship for both of us and we are both very earnest the way we live life and we bonded strongly during the honey moon period. As soon as the 3 months ended we began to have minor conflicts (me expressing basic asks for consistency and consideration, as by that point the relationship was asymmetric). 3 weeks later our relationship crumbled. he didn’t have the skills to resolve conflict, typical things like blaming me for making him feel bad for having hurt feelings.

I suggested professional help, as I’d been in therapy for years and have been working on various skills. he said by this point of the relationship if we need that level of support we should just end it. But are these not basic relational skills? to be able to repair, sit in difficult emotions, empathize with each other? with whom would he have been compatible?

i’m learning to accept that his response was essentially no, when I expected him to say yes and take the opportunity for growth. and that’s ultimately okay and his choice. just waiting to stop missing him. it’s taking a while.