Assalamualaikum….
I have observed a pattern nowadays, people are talking, getting emotionally attached, sharing pics, sharing day-to-day lives, getting vulnerable, chatting a lot, sometimes even meeting personally… in short, giving spouse treatment (emotionally) to a potential, which is still a non-mahram, and many times these are done without involving parents/Wali.
This often turns into what people call ‘soft dating,’ even if it didn’t start that way. It starts with one random message, seeming very innocent, genuine, enthusiastic, and whatnot, but later, when it gets serious, things suddenly don’t work out, or they emotionally manipulate you, use you, give you fake promises, suddenly they remember they are not ready for marriage, or they tell you their parents will never accept. It may start with a halal intention, but the way it unfolds often goes beyond the boundaries Islam sets.
Now, Islam doesn’t prohibit people from interacting for marriage, you can get to know each other, BUT within an Islamic frame. The very first thing is seriousness: to know if someone is even serious about you. This is exactly why women have Wali, involve them asap, it will protect you, give you clarity. There are boundaries, modesty, haya, capability, protection, and respect. No one can use you, take advantage of you, love bomb you, talk or ask anything inappropriate, and most importantly, you won’t get emotionally attached and your heart will be protected, Insha’allah. This is also for men, please involve your parents and ask the woman to involve her Wali, don't let anyone take advantage of you.
The talking stages are dangerous and are a trap because there is no commitment, there is uncertainty, second-guessing, false sense of compatibility, time wastage, investing emotions for a non-mahram (which should be only for a spouse), getting heartbreak, getting used to talking with each other, getting your hopes high, having second thoughts (if they don’t reply fast or they are not talking continuously to you), trust issues, need time to “get over them”, flirting, etc etc.
All these things are Emotional Intimacy, which holds that much weight in marriage as physical intimacy, if not more. These things are valuable, precious, and beautiful aspects of marriage. And when you get these things outside of marriage, you lose the essence of it; you’ll have emotional baggage, comparisons, and these things affect the spouse really badly, who didn’t go through the talking stages, or who only talked under their parents’ supervision. Wanting connection, understanding, and companionship is natural, but Islam teaches us to pursue it in a way that protects us, not harms us, which is through marriage.
Talking stage or getting to know each other does not always mean it is leading to marriage; it is an illusion that “We are serious.” If it’s serious, there will be family involvement, a timeline, an actual conversation regarding marriage, and clear intentions.
Whenever you get a message, or you find a match, let your parents know, and even let the potential know that your parents will be involved from the start. You can even let both of your moms talk first, then share biodata and pics indirectly through them. In the first message, you can share your ISO (if you have), or share your age, location, your education, and what you are looking for in a spouse, and what your own values are, and if this aligns, involve your parents ASAP, and only after this is okay, then you can communicate & ask the right questions which will give you an idea if you are compatible or not. Again, it's best to avoid unnecessary interaction and not attach your emotions to them. Pray lots of Istikhara, and make a lot of dua.
A gentle advice: Please do not give emotional access to anyone (opposite gender) who isn’t committed to you, i.e., married, protect your haya and heart, take proper steps if you’re serious, don’t be involved in long talking stages. There should be clarity during this stage, not just chemistry. Don’t use anyone or let anyone use you.
May Allah protect our hearts from attachment that leads us away from Him, and guide us to what is pure, sincere, and pleasing in His sight. May He grant us the wisdom to choose correctly, the patience to wait for what is right, and the strength to walk away from what is not written for us. May Allah bless us with righteous spouses who bring sakinah into our lives, who are a means of us getting closer to Him, and who treat us with mercy, respect, and understanding. May He place barakah in our marriages, protect them from harm and bad intentions, and make our homes places of tranquility, love, and remembrance of Him. May He forgive our shortcomings, overlook our mistakes, and replace any hurt we have experienced with something far better. Ameen.