u/Electrical_Fall_6286

Long story short I have no way of socializing with people so I have find that isolating myself is the only way I have to cope with me being "different"

Since is the one thing that makes me be stable

Still I keep getting intrusive thoughts of me magically finding a partner or a friend (tho most times is a partner since, yk)

Its causing my problems in this type of things:

1. I don't have a job, and the idea that I need one where I gonna meet people creeps me out cause im very weak to socializing, (because im autistic I forget that people don't wanna be my friends, and are just being nice because of the social contract)

(Which in the past has made me have very cringy moments that make me wanna be swallow by earth xD)

I have grow out of that and now its only a lingering thought that comes to my mind that I can ignore

I just don't know what to do, I wish I got a work from home but as im seeing that looks impossible sadly

So I get into this irrational fantasy idea that "If I have to find a job, may aswell take advantage and socialize there"

And now im getting scare of me end up looking for a job just because im to isolated

2. Studies, I also have this same feeling but with studying, where I think that going to the UNI is gonna make my find people like me or something

This is one of the ones that creeps me the most since UNIs do tend to be more progressive, and its making me bias into thinking that this would somehow be the "exception" which sometimes make me think that I need to do all I can to get there, which again, is a fantasy born out of my irracional need for attention

But still it a very big intrusive though that makes me isnecure about my future

3. Another part which was the one that make me wanna post this post is the "imagine the future" type of part

I used to be very hopeful about socializing, heck I was the biggest ally to socializing in my little friends group I use to have in highschool, they where always all about "not carrying about attention" but I realize they where 100% spot on, specially the more I got closer to the true about me being trans

Since I realize that, well, most people where conservatives, and thats just a barrier to high to pass

Still, I have the thoughs of my social life somehow improving are still there

The more im comfortable im my own flesh, the more people hate me, is a necessity for me to be isolated, I could even DIE if I where to be very open

And I wonder how can I erase from my mind this irrational need for attention? how can I stop caring about socializing with other people?

I know that for some people this is to "Chronically online" or whatever buzzword they have under the desk, (that why I put possible trigger warning)

But for me is a necessity, im posting here cause im imagine theres has been people here that have find theirself onto this same issue

I cannot keep living all my days thinking I magically gonna find a husband/wife, fall in love and have kids, that door is not open for me, and it would never be

I need to learn how to live alone, how to live isolated, and im getting into this new phase of my life where im just don't know how to

Edit: By writing this and looking at things related im realizing im probably have HDP

Which makes me realize that I may be more different that I was expecting, which makes me feel sorry if this post actually feels not related

Im 20 years LGTBIQ+ and Leninist

And I genuinely feel that most of the world wants me death, everywhere I go my opinions are taked as ridiculous, when the only thing I want is what I consider just for everybody.

Given that I know that theres may be people here that find or have find theyselfes in a similar position

I ask, how do you deal with Nihilistic thoughts and Accelerationism?

For example, I myself have a very hard time learning cause I genuinely feel that the more I know about the world the more I close myself in this nihilistic bubble where I feel that everybody that doesn't have my knowledge is d4mb

I genuinely hate feeling this way, I feel arrogant, dogmatic, hypocrital, but I just cannot stop myself from feeling that im the only one that "knows" things

It also gets me into this accelerationism-Nihilistic though about wanting the whole world to burn

"If people don't want to prevent disaster then may aswell happen as soon as it can"

I know I feel this way because im young and still need to keep learning, but idk, I genuinely feel traped

Im posting here cause I genuinely don't know any other left leaning sub where I can post this type of thing, im sorry if this is consider reactionary

EDIT: SHOULD HAVE SAY IM NOT LOOKING FOR SOCIAL ADVISE ^^

I was mostly asking what you personally do to cope with this, habits, books, Youtube channels, way to self reflect, etc... I know organizing is the biggest thing one could do, but it just isn't in my power