WIBTAH for not celebrating my boyfriends 40th birthday
This is my first time posting, and I would like to know if I'm about to be awful or not.
For context, my boyfriend (M 39) and I (f 40) have been together for almost 3 years, we live together. We each have 2 kids from previous relationships, so 4 kids in total. I escaped a cult about 5 years ago, that my family are mostly still a part of, and sadly this means that I was raised not knowing who my extended family are and now that I have separated myself from that scene, I have absolutely no childhood friends or contact with the family I have grown up with due to ex communication doctrines.
I keep busy caring for the children and volunteer in the community in 4 different charities and community groups but I struggle to make genuine connection. I think that mostly it's my own self worth and I am in therapy for it.
I find it a little painful that my boyfriend regularly goes to his family at Christmas and other celebrations and does not invite me, he says it's them, not him, and I can see that they are disinterested in me and my kids. His mother declared that my kids will never be her grandchildren even before meeting us. This hurt, but I try hard to be supportive of him and whilst I do tell him how I feel, I make sure that I'm not making it all about me. Although, I would love to experience a real Christmas.
For the past two years my boyfriend and I have discussed going on an overseas trip together for our 40th birthdays seeing as there is only a 4 month age difference between us. As I was never permitted to celebrate birthdays, Christmas etc, so It means a lot to me to do a 40th birthday celebration. We planned the details together and I've been very honest about why it means so much to me. His father decided a couple of months before my 40th that it would be a nice gift to my boyfriend if they went overseas for his 40th. It was to our desired destination and on the average time that we wanted to go together, so I assumed that we would still do our trip and he would just go twice. I was happy for them. But my boyfriend made it clear that he wasn't going twice, so ours was cancelled. His parents and he got back from their week oversea trip last week. I'm trying not to let it bother me, because after they made these plans and after my boyfriend cancelled our plans, he then discovered that his father has prostate cancer, and of course I will be fully supportive of their trip, time is precious for them.
I make a big fuss over both our kids birthdays and I bake cakes and plan the party's they want, making sure that everyone gets what they envision. Other parents have said that my parties are great, and love to come along with their children. This year he booked his kids to go with just him and them to concerts and a play to celebrate their birthdays, he took them out for dinner alone, and did not talk to me about it so that I could arrange to go as well . There was to be no birthday parties planned, so I bought them gifts and was happy for them, although a little sad that I was not invited, and it wasn't a money issue, as I would have paid my own. It's probably noteworthy that the play that he took them to was free tickets gifted to us and when we got them he told me that we would get a baby sitter and make a date night of it, as we rarely go out on dates now. He gifted the tickets to her without discussing it with me, I found out after and was too polite to tarnish her gift with my own disappointment.
We are on a community groups committee, and he was president of the committee at the time, he booked a community event over the top of my 40th birthday, and I told him immediately whilst the booking was being discussed, but he proceeded with the event, and he had full say over the date, but knowingly continued anyway. I was disappointed but decided to wait and see, he may have planned something nice later so it may not matter too much. The day of my birthday arrived and he had made no plans, there was not even a card or basic gift. The booking he had made meant that I was backstage at a community theatre dressing kids and adults for a play and was too busy to go and celebrate on my own either. So my 40th passed by unnoticed. A joke was made from the stage about my birthday and the audience clapped, but I'm a conservative sort of person so this is not a comfortable thing for me, as those who know me are aware, but I smiled and thanked them.
The children mentioned a week later that they had not done anything for my birthday, and my boyfriend responded that he would pay for my passport. This was news to me, but that Is a nice gift. The children made mention again that they didn't get to celebrate my birthday and my boyfriend told me off directly that i needed to correct them or he won't bother with my passport. I do not see it as my duty to correct the eyesight of the children for him, especially whilst I am trying to hide my own disappointment as it is already. My birthday was 4 months ago, I believe he meant it.
Perhaps I am thinking too deeply into this, but I am genuinely hurt, and I have communicated that well. Earlier, i made a comment that for his 40th, we will be doing the same as we did for mine, nothing. Today he was talking to a mutual friend and made notion that I should be planning his birthday dinner and that they may like to come along. This friend laughed, because they know how I feel about this situation and then she made a remark that I deserved no celebration. She is an odd sort and does reason strangely at the best of times, but now I'm wondering what he's said to her and how on earth that remark was warranted. I feel like I'm saying how I feel but still being pushed over, and I politely smile and pick up the pieces after so that nobody else gets hurt.
I feel that he's well and truly celebrated his 40th and I've been very supportive and nice about it all. So, do I suck it up and plan his dinner, or do I ignore it and just treat it like any other day? WIBTAH if I don't celebrate his birthday?