I give up (sorry mahaba)
My sis saw my scar (ykwim) and I was scared to get invalidated which is exactly what happened. She saw my scar and told me that I wasn't abvs3d or assaulted bat daw ako naggaganon, and only those who were abvs3d are doing it. She said the next time I do it again, she will send me to DSWD. Her husband's parents were working under social care for children especially rescues, but anyways... the moment I heard it from her, I give up. I didn't have any intentions to show it bcs kilala ko sila. The first thing that my mom also asked was kung may galit daw ako sa kanila when I told them they should treat me more gentle as the way I behave was my reaction to how they treat me, but my sis told me na bakit daw mga tao mag-aadjust sa akin. I didn't answer anymore. I sat there, cried, covered my face, and that night before going to bed, I realized that no one will really understand me. No one will try.
That's why I gave up. I'm silent rn, I'm going back to how I acted. Lively, makulit, madaldal, but randomly, I want to attempt. I'm not even crying right now. I couldn't feel an inch of sadness, it's just peaceful. These past few weeks, I feel nothing except laughing while ranting sa mga friends ko. I started walking, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. Minutes to hours of walking, and who knows, maybe next time I'd impulsively stand in the mid of the road or jump off the river. Idk, I lost my sould.