Can't take it anymore
I have to get this off my chest. I can't talk to anyone in my family about this because they are too close. And none of my friends want to hear about it. But I am going to explode like a baked potato. Many years ago, I went through a stage where I would cut myself. Not too deep, just enough to bleed. Like a hot baked potato giving off steam. And always in places that I could hid under my close so that I wouldn't have to explain to anyone. And last night, I had the strongest desire to do it again, and I'm 51. I have two older brothers. One of whom is 10 years older than me and loves to throw that in my face when he's been drinking. Last night, my oldest brother (I'll call him Dave), sent me a text about my second oldest brother (I'll call him Tim). The text from Dave read, "Tim must really hate me for some reason. Could you please help me understand?" I immediately knew that he was drinking. I texted him back, "I know that Tim does not hate you. I don't know why you would think that." No response, no response. I get stressed when I receive texts like that from him, because I never know what his true mental state is. And I know that he has guns at home, and I fear that we will one day use one on himself. So I call him. And that's when my night went bad. So in talking to Dave, I asked him why he thought that about Tim. Dave said, "Well Tim never talks to me, he'll talk to you, and he'll post in the group text about Tim Jr. [Dave's and my nephew, Tim's son]. But he never talks to me. You never talk to me or let me know what's going on in your life. So I'm not going to share anything going on in my life." That made me sad. I know the reason why Tim is hesitant to reach out to Dave, because we never know what state he is going to be in. When Dave is sober, he is a rational, reasonable person. When he drinks, he is impossible to talk to. We he's drinking, he does all the talking to where nobody else can get a word in. Tim does not like to talk to him in that state. Our Dad is 90 years old, and says we will not talk to Dave when he is in that state. He becomes verbally abusive when he drinks. Over Christmas, Dave and I were staying at our parents' house. Mom lives in assisted living and Dad lives in an apartment in independent living at the same facility. Dave and I were arguing about something, and he called me a "vitriolic woman". At one point, Dave's dog jumped up to lick me the face, and Dave says, "Don't hurt her, don't hurt her" and then he gets up from his chair at the table, walks around to where I am sitting, draws back a balled up first and yells, "DO NOT HURT HER!" and stand up to meet him face to face and I say, "You gonna hit me Dave? Is that what you want?" That kind of snapped him back to reality and we went and sat back down.
But I don't know what to do anymore. I should tell him the reason why Tim and Dad avoid talking to him is due to his drinking. But I am afraid that might make him drink more, or worst.