Rant: I truly hate these three people more as of late.
Spoiler for heavy topics with offing, childhood negligence (medical) and sexualization, and such on :') wouldn't let me select more than one flair!
So a couple of things here. It's better to release it than to keep it in and nothing more to it. I'm not okay as of late and don't know who to talk to, and I think it's for the better I come here about it. Honestly. These People truly made it their mission to destroy me while I was growing up and tried to keep me from living for myself. And now, I've been out for a few years now thank fuck, but I find myself sitting with these now memories are slowly coming back and well, two untreated conditions later. I'm at university finally, as I originally wanted (so is my partner, yay!) but I'm stumped with an assignment it seems.
En français, parce que se un nouveau Langue pour moi (I'm at a2 French and learning for fluency so sorry for mistakes I may make, but translation: in French because it's a new language for me). Only to realize, I can't even use the vocabulary I just learned with the passé composée (or past tense) and the vocabulary and grammar that comes with that and with recalling memories, because of all the shit my mother and two her family members did.
Examples:
Disney world? Ha, everybody constantly fought, and my mother made everything about herself. Once she tried to off herself in front of me and my brothers during the trip :') I constantly got yelled at and after getting home she sat me down and tried to charge me money I never had!!! I was straight out of high school!!! And oh- my littlest brother cried the entire time and I had to constantly step in for him to be okay. Talk about ruining the magic -_-
The beach? Oh my god it's too hot for her! She can't even smoke how terrible! And oh how dare I go into a perfectly safe area in the water, I could've gotten hurt or worse in the ocean water!!!! Everything's too expensive!!!! And everyone's staring and shaming the whole family because of how the bathing suits look on bigger bodies!!! Why am I not wearing an actual bathing suit oh my god no!!! And if I did I got sexualized and "oooh -look at skinny mini thinking she's better than everyone!-" (referring to me -.-)
And with untreated conditions, i came here before about my mental health diagnosis being used against me. Being untreated with adhd is doing more harm than good, my sensory issues are crippling me these days and everything's got me pissed off especially with all of this. I have no one but these three to blame. How dare they keep this a secret from me? I remember clearly being diagnosed, but how did it do good for me by keeping it a secret? How? And my shitface mother blames my father when she drove him out. It was just her, she should've continued my treatment instead of stopping it and then demonize me for being a "problem" and take my struggles as personal attacks.
And my chronic pain? Apparently diagnosed too when I was a kid, taken out from the doctor upon such and never got the help I needed. I basically self medicated because there was no other way for me to deal with it using ibuprofen or paracetamol and getting test as needed (which was seen as being full on lazy and such on -_-.) because of their negligence, so I'm still with dealing with constant flares and sometimes it's severe to where I go days needing rest (and I'm pissed sometimes because people will see me with a cane on the bus or trams or limping and they won't let me use the handicap spots, ffs). The good news is: they recognized it again when I was 19 / 20 (I'm 25 now, will be turning 26 in July!) and I'm going to get more help now (dealing with debilitating flares) I'm more settled in my new area. I won't be surprised if my trauma and adhd make things worse with this not going to lie. I also have an injury that I've received help for to be specific- but there's only so much that can be done, hence why I rely on a cane (ambulatory is the term I think?) and have problems walking. At least I'll be getting that ball started down the hill Tuesday is the good news so send best wishes for then please.
But yeah. I hate these people all the more right now. I don't know how these people got away with these things and I'll never know. I fucking hate them and I don't wish these three people well. I'm happy I'm free and have my own life for me in my own hands instead of theirs, and that I'm away from these people now and am around better people. I truly am grateful. Deeply. But they still have chains on me I can't shake easily, yeah I need help. Right now I just want to scream and cry, maybe break a dish or two or rip my book in frustration right now. My anger towards these people is immeasurable and there's nothing they can do to crawl back into my life (because if they do, I'm calling the cops to remove them off my doorstep.)
Thanks for letting me put this here. I need it right now and again, screaming about it and nothing more. Sometimes release is needed ig.