Hating that it took me longer to grow up
I was neglected emotionally and physically and grew up with a mix of permissive or uninvolved parents/authority figures. As an adult now (22F), I hate looking back on how I acted at certain times because I was honest to god just emotionally stunted and it’s very embarrassing.
I grew up in kinda a big family that deteriorated over time. I was the middle child and the only girl with a 9 year age gap between my older brother and 1 year with my younger. My younger brother was autistic (was, he passed from leukemia at 5) and much higher needs than me so my mom would mostly take care of him. My dad was a low effort parent who never wanted to have kids but it’s a long story, so I was more or less raised by my maternal grandmother who also cared for my older brother. She would cater to me sometimes but I internalized a lot of perfectionism and her attitude (she had BPD and I think NPD comorbid, not trying to stigmatize though!) because “every one else was wrong.” My mom also has BPD and it is the opinion of my dads side of the family that she would favor my younger brother and older brother over me because i “was my grandmothers.” My dad also said she used to fuss to him that I acted like my grandmother was my mom… well!
Anyways, I was parentified and my nickname was “little miss independent” because I was soooo mAtURe anD CApabLe which gave me a big ego and superiority complex while giving my parents the excuse to not take responsibility for me.
Anyways, awful fucking combination. I didn’t learn shit and knew I wasn’t as capable as my family expected/wanted me to be so I would overcompensate with a big ego about how mature I was in school and how I was this straight A student all the teachers loved. Now, I realized I am kinda emotionally stunted and never learned how to properly deal with my emotions, life problems, or anything else. I have so many stories from when I would freak out over the tiniest things that were… menial… mostly because I was scared to get in trouble or the littlest bit of effort would make me crumble (which is why being naturally intelligent can actually make it harder for you!!!! I never learned or had the willingness to try because I DIDNT HAVE TO and now I’m learning consistency and self-discipline at 22…). Oh well!