I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been sitting with this pain for months and I feel like I’m going crazy.
I had a close female friend for over two years. Daily conversations about everything — life, food, movies, dreams, work, feelings. I thought this was the most important relationship in my life.
Somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her. But even beyond the feelings, I gave everything to this friendship. I was the one sending long messages at midnight. I was the one checking if she ate, if she slept, if she was okay. I was the one apologising even when I wasn’t sure what I did wrong. I was the one who would drop everything for her.
She appreciated me. She said she was privileged to have a friend like me. She gave me thoughtful gifts. But she couldn’t match me emotionally. Short replies. Emojis. Moving on quickly from deep conversations. She was emotionally available for others but not for me.
I switched jobs partly to get distance. Then I went no contact. Unfollowed her on Instagram. Three months have passed. She has not reached out once. Not one message. Not one check in. Nothing.
And yet here I am. Crying. Unable to move on. Unable to be angry. Reading our entire chat at 2am looking for answers. Wanting to reach out and apologise. Wanting to go back even though I know nothing will change. Numbing myself just to get through the day.
I know the logical answers. I can see the imbalance clearly. I’m in therapy. I know this pattern goes back to my childhood. I know I tie my self worth to others. I know I learned that love must be earned. I know all of this.
But knowing it doesn’t make the longing stop. Knowing it doesn’t make me stop checking my phone. Knowing it doesn’t make three months of silence hurt any less.
I feel like I’m waiting for something that is never coming. And I still can’t let go.
Has anyone actually been through this? Not theoretically. Not logically. How did you actually move on when your heart refused to listen to your head? How long did it take? Did the anger ever come? Did you ever stop missing them?