I think I might have BPD (borderline personality disorder)
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First off, I'd like to state that I am aware I am not a professional and know I cannot confirm I have BPD until I get a diagnosis. Which is currently not something I can do right now as I don't have the financial means to.
I'd like to get an opinion from those diagnosed with BPD or something very educated on BPD whether it's a possibility I have it or is it possibly something else? (As I know other disorders can be mistaken for BPD, such as bipolar).
I've been going back and forth on whether I could or don't have it, I think I experience most of the symptoms that seem to come with BPD though I am not completely sure if what I experience is the same as I don't have anyone close to me with a diagnosis of BPD to reference.
Some of the symptoms I believe I experience are:
Favorite Person (FP): I often find myself obsessing/really seeking the attention of certain people throughout my life, most often being romantic partners but it has also been friends I've had/have. Even to the point of when I was younger I related and kinda consider myself a sort of "yandere" (yes I know very cringe, thankfully I don't think that way anymore). I'd spend most of my day talking with my FP, would ask (and still do) for reassurance that they wouldn't leave me and that they love me (if it was a romantic partner) but I'd become overly dependent or extremely attached to them, but if it was a partner and we got in a breakup I would switch up on them and lash out. Which leads to my second symptom.
Splitting: I feel I have experienced this with not only FPs but also family members. (Possibly something to keep in mind is that I generally try to suppress my anger due to my father having anger issues and being abusive so I try not to be like him). But there are times I have cussed out people I didn't know personally for the smallest amount of annoyance, a time I lashed out at an ex because I felt betrayed by the break up and called him a rat despite him never treating me badly, and even times I've laid my hands on my own younger siblings- (yes I know it was very much wrong of me to do and I am not proud of it in the slightest, I actively try to avoid doing so). In one experience I felt as if one of my younger brothers was disrespecting me and I warned him to stop, he didn't, and I snapped and hit him- it literally felt like I saw red and blacked out- even after I did, I didn't immediately feel remorse, I felt it was deserved in the moment.
Abandonment and Trust issues: I definitely know for sure experience this, there's a lot of reasons I do but to some it up my father was neglectful especially emotionally and I did not receive the attention I needed when I was younger. Leading me to try and find that attention elsewhere, especially in romantic partners, even putting myself in dangerous situations with adults when I was young to get said attention. I have trust issues from multiple experiences of trusting people at their word and them not only breaking it, but hurting and or betraying me. So even now in romantic relationships I'm often asking for reassurance they love me, they won't leave me or lie to me. And I'm constantly looking for signs that someone is upset with me even if they aren't actually upset with me. I have even begged a toxic ex who ended the relationship to stay with me (I have since learned my lesson not to do that).
Unstable, Unsure Self Image, and Chameleon: I often feel like I do not know who I am as a person. I have even noticed myself reflecting others interests, mannerisms, personality, and way of speaking. Attempting to know or get into what they are interested in so I have something to talk to them about and acting as they would to fit in. I feel like when it comes to what I truly want out of life, not including other people, i really don't know what I want. I feel the only values I have is honesty and loyalty because of my abandonment issues. I've changed my name on multiple occasions (though I will say I am transmasc), my personal fashion style, my hairstyle and color, and my personality. I feel I am a combination of different people and my trauma but not much else outside of that.
Self harm behaviors, coping, and impulses: I have self harmed in the past by cutting, to cope and feel some relief of the emotional pain I felt, cause the pain from self harm was enough to temporarily overshadow the pain I felt emotionally. I have since then recovered from it but I do still find myself having thoughts of self harm (via cutting and drug use) and suicidal thoughts. I also have been impulsive with spending money and getting myself into risky sexual situations.
Mood swings: I feel my mood changes (I feel) pretty frequently throughout the day, from splitting from irritation, to depression because of everything going on in the world and feeling like I'm supposed to fix it but I can't, to numbness and not necessarily feeling anything at all, to exaggerated self confidence and feeling good about myself, to feeling disgusted at my own person, actions and body image. I've experienced anxiety/panic attacks, I've been triggered because of trauma, there are times I'll feel so depressed I physically can't eat cause I'll gag while eating, or so angry I feel the need to be physically destructive, either to myself, another person or objects (and have), or so happy/confident I'll take risks or do something I'll later regret. I also have a really REALLY difficult time putting exactly how I feel into words as I often feel words aren't enough to express my emotions and i feel like people don't feel or care about things the way I do and that I'm too sensitive. I also have a deep sense of shame and struggle with being vulnerable and opening up to people, especially FPs cause I fear if they actually know how I am they'll want to leave me.
Dissociation and Paranoia: I catch myself dissociating at times, feeling like I'm watching my life like a movie (Ik it often said to be like that but it's genuinely how I feel). Sometimes the dissociation gets so bad I'll have a hard time staying present in my body despite actively trying to be. There are times I'll ask something of someone and they won't answer for a while and I'll start to become paranoid thinking they hate me and or they're going to leave me, ESPECIALLY if it's an FP and I'm telling them something that requires me to be vulnerable.
This is just what came to mind when writing this and it is possible I may experience other symptoms of BPD I didn't think of or don't know of. (I have really bad short term memory-). And it is HIGHLY possible I may have something similar to BPD or may have BPD along with other disorders since I am completely undiagnosed.
I'm American, 18 (turning 19 this year), around 230ish pounds
For those curious to other disorders I think I may have:
Pretty damn sure: some form of depression and anxiety, and PTSD.
Possible but requires more research and diagnosis: Autism and ADHD.
Tell me what you think, and if you have any questions for me to answer that may help give me a better idea if I do or don't ask away! Thank you🩷