I'm a MtF in my early 30s and my egg cracked last fall. I started medically transitioning a few months later. My transition has been going well and I've been super happy with the results I've had so far. But I look back now, and I feel like most of the life that I had is based on a lie.
I'm not *him*. I never was. But I tried to be. I tried to act, think and be this person that I thought I was supposed to be - the person everyone else expected me to be. I tried so hard for so long. And now I finally see in my head the girl that I *want* to be. The girl I am that I purposefully beat down inside for so long because I just couldn't accept who I was. But right now, I feel like I'm definitely not him, but I'm also not *her* yet either. I forced myself to be someone because I felt it was what people expected of me, and I did so many things because I thought I was just supposed to. Who I was and who I want to be are completely different people. I'm honestly making progress, and at times I feel like the way that I'm thinking and reacting to things is starting to resemble how I picture her thinking and reacting to things. But I also see myself still emulating things *he* would say or do still, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Every time I look in the mirror, I still see him in there. Every time I talk, I hear his voice. I'm so scared that I've hurt myself so much by repressing and suppressing who I am for so long *trying* to be him, that I'll never be the girl that I want to be. And it doesn't help that right now my wife and I are stuck living with my parents with how bad the housing market is. So I'm stuck trying to stealth so my transphobic dad doesn't find out and kick us out. Which just means I'm stuck still trying to be *him* a lot of the time, and wearing clothes that increase my dysphoria.
Then I look at my life and it's kind of hitting me that I'm living a life that belongs to the person that I tired to be, but I'm not. My friends became friends with *him*, not *me*. The career that I've started is one that I kind of hate, and is one that *he* chose. My wife fell in love with *him*, not *me*. I don't know what to do. I love my wife. She's amazing and supportive of me transitioning. But she also makes assurances about who I am based off of the man that I faked being. And I don't know how much of his personality is going to carry over as I continue transitioning. I was always the strong leader who led us through every storm. She's always trusted me to make the hard decisions. But honestly? *I don't want to be that now.* I don't want to *do* that now. I want someone to take my hand and lead *me*. I want someone to just take care of *me*. I'm scared that she's not that person. I'm scared that *if* I'm actually able to be me, that she won't love the person that I actually am. And I'm scared that if or when I get to the other side of this, there won't be anyone from my life left because I'm not the person they knew.
I don't know what to do... can I even do anything? I feel like every way I go, I hit a brick wall. Is it too late for me? Have I messed things up so bad that I can't be helped? How do I figure out who I am when I spent so long trying so hard to be someone I'm not?
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