I feel so done, but i cant stop think about her.
Rewind to August last year. This girl who goes to the same gym as me reaches out.
Bit skeptical because I have an ambivalent attachment style. But we go out for a drink, her and two of her friends. After we start to write a bit more, she check in on me now and then when we haven't seen each other for a while.
It is hard to describe the feeling, but basically this triggers my shadow. She brings out something I have hiddent within myself, and it feels so good, amazing. We go on a few dates, talk openly and about anything, and share good stories, bad stories, and such.
Anyone who is/was deprived of attention as a child/adult might recognize how someone giving you attention is addicting, the dopamine hits you hard.
This goes on for a while. I muster up some courage and squeeze out, "I really like you" and she answers, "Me too, let's see where this leads". In hindsight, this is a classic response for someone that does not want to commit. But it felt so good, and at that moment, I switched from keeping distance to committing more.
Forward to February. Where I live it's cold, dark and it really takes a toll on your mental health. Anyway, we talked a bit and just as before, I was vulnerable in our conversation. She asked how i was and i said im feeling a bit down but it will be better in time. But something was off and she did not meet me in that conversation, and after that it was a big shift. She stopped checking in on me, she stopped going to training, had excuses for not meeting up. All the conversations and potential plans were initiated by me. Before she could be pretty bold like "Tomorrow we will go and eat sushi".
This triggered my anxious side so much. I am happy i go to therapy because otherwise i would had a classic crashout trying to fix whatever i thought i could fix and that stuff never ends well.
So after 6 weeks or so she comes back to training as usual, back from whatever she was doing. Also the annoying part is I rationalized everything. "She is busy", "She is feeling a bit down and needs alone time" or whatever, and I thought that once she was done doing whatever she was doing, it would go back to how it once was.
Surprise, it did not. Whatever relationship we had was now gone.
But i did not care. I pulled back to give her space and only wrote when i actually had something practical or concrete plans. But just as before, all plans got turned down. This hurts so much, and it took some time to get on my feet again. I read here that an avoidant doesn't really think too much about it, because feelings are scary and uncomfortable. I have learned to meet all my emotions, feelings, and discomfort head on, process it and move on. (Except this stuff, hence I'm writing about it, haha.) But if she is or isn't avoidant or whatever, but the stuff you guys write here fits pretty well. It could also be she actually is just not into me, but the shift in February was so abrupt, and after that, it was like she was walled off.
Anyway, back to the present. It is like before she reached out and made me feel special. We train once or twice a week together, but we don't hang out on the weekend, only in group settings because we share a lot of common friends. She does not willingly come forth to me to start a conversation before or after the training class like she once did. You guys might wonder why I still do that. It is because i refuse to back down and stop doing the training i love just because there is one person who makes me feel uncomfortable.
But the nail in the coffin for my hope and cope was when i figured out she is interested in this other guy from the gym. I see her do exactly the same things to him as she did to me when she first showed interest.
So this is where it ends for real. I have dragged it out too much; the "done" feeling i have now I should have had in February. That feeling also has kind of woken me, and I see her behavior in a new light. Even if it would have continued for a while, she is not the one for me.
I can't have a relationship with someone that is not emotionally available or disappears for 6 weeks. I can't have a relationship with someone that is afraid of speaking their mind.
But I do find a little comfort that the relationship I was offering her triggered her, because it meant something to her.
But the reality is I can't stop thinking about her. Also, this weekend we will have a dinner-party. Me, her, the new guy and some other friends. Is it stupid to attend? Yes. Will i probably go home and cry after? Yes. But i refuse to back down from activities just because she is there. I spent so much fucking time thinking, doing the hard work with myself, the whole time she was gone.
So in the end.
She is just a girl who triggered my shadow, we would not been good together, and i got addicted to her giving me attention, the one thing i have craved my whole life.
Whatever discomfort i will face this coming weeks, I will not die, and it will be alright someday.
Thank you for reading. But i would also like to thank her. Because without her I would have never started therapy and love myself, and in just a few months i have become someone completely different. Somewhat grounded, somewhat secure, there is still much work to do.
But sometimes there is this voice telling you to keep going, keep going, keep going, it will all be ok in the end.