Attached is the last conversation I have had with my mother today, and I feel like our relationship has finally reached a tipping point where I have to walk away.
for context, I am transgender. My dad has already completely disowned me over this, and my mother has been pushing me away progressively over the past year.
I have censored some names in this post, but the main piece of context missing will be what I have marked out in blue. This is anything discussing the finer details of my plan to go and get a form of gender affirming surgery and my mother has been fishing for details to try and police my decision to go here and do this.
The conversation took place after me reaching out after 2 months of no contact. Our argument was over me attending the funeral of my grandmother (her mother). She told me to come in clothes of my old gender and I simply said I have reached a point where that would make an already extremely painful situation even more extremely painful. And she made sure to make me feel extremely unlwecomed by coming as who I am.
The result is something I am genuinely not proud of, mainly because I think I was acting like her at the time. I got very mad and did a long rant explaining to her how much she has hurt my by curtailing my transition at every attempt, being extremely dissmissive of it and trying to ignore it until we reach critical moments where I can't function because she didn't adress it (such as the funeral incident)
I genuinely regretted how I talked to her and wanted to reach out to make ammends in a healthy way but I was once again hurt today. This process sucks. and in one of her messages, she blames me for my conduct with family and sometimes that gets to me a lot. I am very much strugling to deal with this and I am posting this here because I guess I kind of want to be reasured that I am not being an asshole to her or something, and my feelings of her being kind of unreachable are not me being heartless.