Hey guys! so, i’m new to this, and i’m hoping i do this right. i need a bit of advice, along with some support. I figured that this would be the best place to put my story because there’s a LOT of things that happened to me, and it doesn’t feel like i should put it in a “relationship help” one.
Before I start, I want to put some of the triggering things that are in this: Mentions of Rape, Sexual Assault, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideations, Suicide Attempt, Recent Breakup, HEAVY Mental Health Issues and Disorders, Harm During Sex.
I hope I got everything. If not, I am so so sorry. Please brace yourself, and if you can’t read it/can’t finish it, i completely understand. Thank you.
So, let me explain the story. my ex and i were together for two and a half years. things were a bit toxic, and i broke up with him mid january. i ended up overdosing on my meds and i went to the ER for two nights then the psych ward for three days, and i thought things would get better. my ex was worried about me and so we met up and talked. we both agreed that we shouldn’t get back together for a while, but we’d also still see each other every so often. we also agreed that if either of us were to hook up with anyone else, we would be done.
fast forward to mid march, i met a guy who went to my school and seemed really nice. i don’t have a lot of friends, so this was a big thing for me. we talked quite a bit over three days. i told him i had just gotten out of a relationship, i wasn’t ready to move on, i didn’t want to do anything sexual, and i still want things to work between me and my ex in the future. i have this in writing. he said that it was fine, and he actually also said that if i needed anything, i could talk to him. keep that in mind.
*Trigger Warning - Sexual Assault*
we ended up meeting up on a Sunday night. you can probably see where this is going. we went for a drive, and we talked about the most random stuff, like music, school, jobs, family… i felt so comfortable. i have never had good luck with meeting new people. i often get taken advantage of. well, surprise, he stopped in a random gravel road, grabbed my neck while i wasn’t paying attention, and started kissing me. i was terrified and i didn’t know what to do. i started having a panic attack, and i just sat there, silent, while he kept driving.
we ended up making it back to our school, and he asked if he could do homework in my dorm room. i said yes, because he had just driven me everywhere in his car, we used his gas, etc., and i felt like i owed him something. we got inside, and the way my dorm is set up, is we have four separate single bedrooms, a shared living room, kitchenette, bathroom, shower, and sinks.
*Trigger Warning - Sexual Assault & Mention of Rape*
him and i sat in the living room on the couch, and we both did homework. i was working on math, and he was working on his auto class stuff, i think. when i was finished, i went on my phone and watched instagram reels. when he was done, he started watching them with me. after like five minutes, he reached over and turned off my phone, and grabbed me by my neck again. he put his other hand in between my legs. i had no idea what to do. this guy is like 6’2”, 275 pounds, and i’m 5’3”, 150 pounds. what am i supposed to do? he seemed aggressive, and i didn’t want to get hurt. he asked if it was okay, and i said yes, because i wanted to get it over with, i didn’t want him to hurt me, and i didn’t want to have a repeat of my experience when i was raped by my ex.
*Trigger Warning - Talking About Being Raped*
I was raped by my ex, January of 2024. i didn’t get home from the er until 3:00 AM, i threw up in the car from the STD meds and Plan B they gave me at the hospital, i was escorted by police car to both of the hospitals that i went to, i had to retell the story about five times that night, i had to get a rape kit and there was a student in there and it was my most vulnerable time, i couldn’t hug my boyfriend or mom because i wasn’t allowed to touch anyone, they took my clothes away, so i was just not okay. that affected me a lot. it’s been over two years since that happened and i still haven’t heard anything. do you think i want to do that again?
*Trigger Warning - Harm during sex*
he ended up asking if i wanted to go to my room, and i said sure, and i started having a panic attack. i knew i couldn’t get out of it at this point, and i knew my ex was gone. he was mean to me during it. he hit me, he pulled my hair and ripped me up to his chest and then slammed my head down, and he grabbed me hard. i started crying during it, but he either didn’t notice, or he didn’t care about it. after it was done, he just kinda left. i stared at the door for like five minutes after he left. thinking about how i wasn’t going to ever talk to my ex again.
i was terrified to tell my ex what happened, but i knew that i couldn’t keep it from him. that would just be wrong. i didn’t tell him that night, because i was exhausted. the next day, around 4:00 PM, i texted and asked him to come so i could talk to him. he came, and all i said was, “i did it with someone else.” he asked me if i wanted it, and i said “yes.” i couldn’t lie to him. i forced myself to say yes so i wouldn’t have to go through the process again.
my ex always told me to put myself first. he could be second, third, forth, or last, just as long as i was first. i never did. i always put him first. it always worked out that way. this one time that i put myself first because i was scared of the outcome, i lost him. he ended up blocking me on everything the following morning. i haven’t talked to him since. it’s been over five weeks now. it’ll be six this coming tuesday (5/5/26).
i ended up texting the guy that did that stuff to me because i had nobody else, and i asked him to hang out but not do what we did last time. he said it was fine, then blocked me two days later. (i told you to keep that part about him saying if i needed to talk to him, i could, in mind) that made me realize that his only intention was to have sex with me. not to be friends or to help me.
*Trigger Warning - Mental Health Disorders*
i’m having such a hard time dealing with all these emotions, and having him gone doesn’t help me at all. i wish i told him the truth. maybe things would have gone better. maybe he wouldn’t have left. i took two assessments through my therapy place, and i found out that i have: Generalized Anxiety, Major Depression, Dysthymia (Chronic Depression), PTSD, Developmental Trauma Disorder (Complex-PTSD), and Bipolar, and i may possibly have Dependent Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I found all this out yesterday. i knew i had anxiety and depression, but i didn’t realize how bad it was and how much it was truly affecting me.
*Trigger Warning - Self Harm*
if i had known before, i could have done a lot better. i miss him so much, and i need help with what to do. i’m scared of myself, i have been hurting myself, my mom has to keep all my medications with her, i’m just so exhausted. please, if anyone has anything to say, please say it. and thank you for reading all of this. that means so much to me.