Recently I've been thinking about an old friend of mine and have become obsessed again.
I thought me and this person were close, but he slowly stopped talking to me, which made me really sad and I slowly started to realize maybe I thought of this individual as more than just a friend.
I've never had a crush before so I wouldn't know.
I will call him Nathan.
Anyway, so me and Nathan had kind of known each other for years but started actually being friends around three or four years ago.
We were both smart, in choir, loved art, and had passions for acting. We were also in a special program together that helped bring us closer together.
I ended up following his art account on Twitter and I remember him bragging that I was his biggest fan because I was usually the first one to like his posts and never missed a single one.
He looked so happy and I genuinely loved his work. It fascinated me. His style was so unique and I will admit I flushed every time he bragged.
He also seemed to like my art, often peeking over my shoulder, very close to resting on it a few times, to watch me draw.
I felt so happy every time he complimented it, making sure to work extra hard to improve myself.
He also let me play with his props backstage while others weren't allowed to even touch them.
The fact that he gave them to me to play with just because I gave him puppy dog eyes always made me extremely happy.
I remember him sighing and basically saying he couldn't win against me before handing it over.
I always felt such triumph over my friends as their faces fell when he handed them over.
We joked around so much and I remember he often volunteered to help be my scene partner, even if I didn't need one, or ask me if I would help him with something backstage even though plenty of other people were available.
I always felt so honored and was always eager to agree to what he wanted.
He even remembered things I liked.
I remember ranting to him about Metal music, super excited that he knew about it even though he definitely didn't look like the type. (He was a little nerd who wore sports shirts, shorts, kakis, and polos. Had glasses and pale skin too.)
A week or so later he startled me in a hot topic and pointed out the bands that I mentioned I had liked. I was so excited and he helped me decide what T-shirt to buy.
Quick side note, but I am a trans Latino metal head and very much look like it. I am also chubby. I look nothing like anyone he has ever dated/is dating so I honestly don't think he would like me anyway. He also doesn't know I'm trans ftm but I honestly considered telling him. His family also seems to lean conservative possibly but he was rather supportive of the LGBTQ+.
Anyway, back on track:
After I finished shopping and noticed my friends had abandoned me. I called Nathan and he immediately picked up.
He even seemed angry that they had abandoned me, and immediately came to find me while I was on the verge of tears.
He stuck to my side the rest of the shopping trip and even seemed amused when me and a couple of others dragged him into witchy and alt shops to nerd out.
I would bring something over to him to show it off and he smiled his crooked smile and nodded, amusement gleaming in his eyes.
It made me so happy that if I was a dog I swear my tail would wag so hard it would risk falling off.
I kept doing it over and over again, dead set on seeing the amusement and twinkling in his eyes.
He even was upset whenever me and the other two temporarily left him with another group he was talking to to go back to hot topic.
He had waited for us and stuck next to me once again. I also stuck close to him.
I realize now that I had a habit of finding him and sticking close when I was uncomfortable in a situation and he let me.
There are so many more stories but I don't want this to be too long!
Anyway:
I miss it all so much, but as soon as he started dating a girl he distanced himself from me. It made me so damn sad.
The only times he interacted with me or had fun with me was when she wasn't there and/or was in no threat of appearing.
If I text him he will open it immediately and still answer very quickly, but he doesn't reach out and will avoid me if I happen to visit our old highschool and see him while he is also visiting.
I also would never try to break them up because they seem genuinely happy and I'm not that kind of person.
I just need help figuring out my feelings so that I know how to deal with them.
What do you guys think?