u/EightEyedCat

TW for mentions of self-harm!!!!!!!!!!!

As the title says, it's been four months and a few days now without my baby. In some ways, i have been feeling better (I dont cry as much, I dont look for her around the house as often, I'm doing better at sleeping without her etc.) While of course I understand that I cant stay miserable forever, the idea that im adjusting to life without the cat that was my entire world makes me sick.

I hate that im not grieving her like she deserves, she deserves so much more emotion than I can give alone even when I have spent four months where I cry and grieve most days. I feel like if I do start to accept it and 'move on', it would be clear that im less than she deserved. How can I say I love her when I go from feeling okay without her (which i absolutely despise to say) to crying at the thought of her, she deserves better than me and I can't be better because it's too late.

I dont want to get better and for her to be completely forgotten to everyone else. nobody around me cares about her the way I do so, in a way, my grief and my misery are the only things keeping that alive. It's not fair, I want to be able to remember her happily but when nobody else seems to care at all, that feels impossible.

All I want is to get worse and worse to prove how much I love her. I SHOULD be grieving and it should be worse than it is. I wish I could just stay in my room and rot so nobody could argue how much i love her and how much love she deserves . I shouldn't be able to function without her.

While I know its not healthy, I find that hurting myself /sh does help. I dont go too deep but I do it a few times a day. having the physical marks helps prove to others and myself I guess that im still struggling, that i still love her. In a way it's almost ironic how her being my entire world has shifted from how it was before to being so ruined and consuming now, with this. Making myself hurt feels right, she deserves to have people hurting and grieving for her and if nobody else can care about her in the way she deserves then atleast I can prove that I still do, if that makes any sense.

I worry that she would feel betrayed to know im adjusting to life without her and I cant cope whatsoever with that thought. I dont want to have to move on, not without her.

I worry she would be upset to know that when I come home from school I dont always look for her on my bed, or that im living now While she's not here with me.

We were always meant to be together and the same is true for dying, I never wanted to be without her so we were meant to go together but now that she's gone im just stuck here alone betraying that because I cant leave yet, as tempting as it is. It still feels like there's nothing here for me, that the world is just moving on while I'm desperately trying to cling to my love for my baby who isn't here anymore and won't ever be again. I'm just stuck.

All I want to do is get worse and prove how much i love her, being fine and adapting betrays that. Every moment I spend not crying and not hurting myself makes me guilty, how can I say she was and is my entire world if I sometimes feel okay?????????