Male victim here (18M). First timer on reddit too, only thought to come here because I am confused, worried, and downright concerned as to why it's just lasting and how it is just so damn prevalent.
I guess I will just start from the beginning and work from there. Sorry if this goes on for so long and if there's unnecessary detail, but I feel the need to let it off my chest as well as give total context.
WARNING: DETAIL ABOUT SEXUAL ACTIONS
At 17yo during the summer, anxiety and depression hit me out of literally nowhere, affecting any chores or obligations, and came to a tipping point where I thought I was an utter disgrace for not grabbing a social security card for an orientation day at a Target, and quit thereafter. School wasn't any better, causing me tons of mental anguish to the point I feared every school day so horribly (still kinda do now, it's a struggle, but at least somewhat manageable, kinda). I was getting horrible grades in my classes where otherwise I was an A-B student throughout every single other school year. Something went wrong somewhere, and I wasn't able to do what I could before.
After a long time of going home from school repeatedly, I went to an inpatient program. My parents handled it with so much grace and strength; their love and persistence was, and still is, very invaluable.
This inpatient program was during school hours as a sort of replacement for it for the time being to prioritize mental health. There were like 2 hours of class time, but it was really easy work, and the teacher (God bless you, Mr. M!!!) knew that the schoolwork ultimately didn't matter in comparison to mental health.
I met this girl who was my age and grade (we will call her Cait) who was in the program, and we were making friends with everyone there. We met each other, and we became fast friends. We joked with each other a lot, and eventually, we sat together. We were attached at the hip, and we always joked around. She was really kind and spontaneous in a way that I found intriguing and nice.
Then one day, she passed me a note (frowned upon because the staff don't want secret messages to go around because sharing contact info was banned), and when I got home, I read it. It was a note telling me that she really liked my personality, even getting away with calling me "handsome" and "cute."
I had never been in a romantic relationship before. I came into the inpatient with the thought that I would NOT date anyone in there. It was a preposterous thought at the time (who the hell would come onto me? I'm in the grippy socks!) but that was my belief.
I did not see Cait's signal. "Ok, she thinks I'm handsome, but in a platonic way!" I wrote back platonically and in a friendly way. More letters came, I did the same, but I was beginning to realize that she might be attracted to me. Then she sent me a letter asking if we should hold hands there, and that was confirmation enough.
I said no to the offer because not only was I blindsided by this show of affection so soon in our relationship, we only knew each other for like a week at that point (Cait was one of the only girls who ever came on to me ever, and also the most blatant and pressed to do so), and that if we were caught, we would be separated into different groups (which meant one of us joining the middle schoolers: hell). She understood but wanted to confirm if we shared feelings for each other. I said we should wait a little longer, and she accepted that.
But not for long. She asked again, and my heart had warmed to her. She seemed so nice! She kept complementing me every day, and she was falling in love! I said yes, and things moved quickly.
She sent more letters complementing me and informing me about deeper issues in her life (her family is rife with dysfunction and fights, I feel sorry for her), and I offered comfort. She later sent a letter that talked about making out. I was red in the face.
Then, Cait started to talk about more sexual things. Made them toward me. I was shaken; this was moving really fast, but who was I to know what was normal in a relationship? I know now that one has to have conversations about how to move forward before taking that step with their partner, hand in hand with exclusivity, but not then.
I was going to write her a letter about it, about how I felt uncomfortable with her making sexual remarks. But I crumpled it up and threw it away because I thought that she was going to take it the wrong way.
She got more into it, and frankly, so did I. We passed each other dirty notes, each one increasing in spice. I started to rub her thigh with her permission (I would've never, but she wanted me to) and said how she got aroused by that. Despite the risks, despite the people being around, I still put my hand on her thigh, knowing what it did to her. She didn't care about it at all, so I followed her lead. She's been in relationships before!
I wrote her poems, and she gave me paintings. Cait and I were over the moon, and she kept racing from star to star with me in tow, dragged along and flopping around in the draft. I never knew what was happening. I still didn't tell my family because what if they prohibited me? Would my brothers judge me for dating a girl that I went to inpatient with? I didn't tell a soul until a while, and that was for permission to exchange contact information later on and was telling my parents. I never, and still haven't, told any of my family or friends.
We were caught exchanging contact info, and we both got a slap on the wrist for a day because we were both about to be done with the program. Because we were in contact, we played games together, talked to one another, and realized that her controlling mom didn't allow her to have a phone, and Cait had to use hers instead. This means that she saw a really dirty message! She reacted with a thumbs down, and nothing happened since. I was so embarrassed and weirded out; her mom was the passive-aggressive type who was always in defense mode. Not a bone in her body was relaxed or happy. She would constantly get into fights with Cait, and I saw her home life first hand; it was horrible.
One day after we both were clean from the program, I went over to her house. The tension in there was palpable; her mom kept talking about Cait's "rebellious phase" which was just so manipulative on her mom's part for just mentioning that so often. Cait ignored it and pet the dogs.
I brought over my Nintendo switch so we could play some games together, then we later switched over to a movie. Then she beckoned me to touch her thigh. Then go higher, then go in.
It was fun. Despite the fact that we were in the living room with her brother in there (glued to the xbox) and the parents were down a hallway in a family room. One look our way for any of them, and we would be busted. I wasn't into this at all, it felt weird and wrong. I felt dirty and gross.
After she was feeling sensitive from the fingering, she got two blankets and a condom after some flirtatious talk, but then her brother got up to use the bathroom (he had to walk next to us in order to get into the hall) and he sees Cait putting the blankets down and he asked something like "you're not fucking each other, are you?" That made me feel very vulnerable, I can still remember the weird alienating feeling, like my soul wanting to get away from the uncomfortable scenario and trying to forget it simultaneously. Cait feigned a convincing shocked "no", and he walked off. We waited for him to sit back in his chair and gave a few more good seconds just in case, and we started.
I was prepping myself and everything (I just went with it even tho I would've preferred another sexual action cuz hey, yk, that's still fun, i just didnt have the courage to turn it down at that point) and, under the blankets, we started (not before asking if I consented (i said yes), and me asking if she consented (she said yes)). I was getting into it, and i was whispering more to her and everything.
But then, she asked if i could take the condom off.
I said no.
Then she asked again.
I said no.
Then she asked again, and i said no, im not comfortable doing that (said it in a clear way that oozed out a little bit of the fun, so i said something like lets not let that ruin our time together, lets continue) and we quickly got back into the mood.
A few minutes later, though, she asked for me to take it off again.
I said no.
She told me that, since this was my first time, i should try it raw.
Ihesitatingly said yes to not upset her and because i guess it was worth a shot. So i took it off and continued.
Then, a few minutes later, she wanted me to cum in her.
I said no.
She said she was on birth control (i knew this already) and i still said that im not comfortable with the risk for something that didnt seem too attractive to me, i was just fine with pulling out. She said that she could get an abortion, and in my mind i freaked out a little. I said that it would put me and her through some shit if anyone found out. She said that she had an abortion before and that it will be fine, but i still said no. I said i could cum on her instead, and she was fine with that. I didnt end up cumming tho, but i could tell she had a lot of enjoyment out of that, and i was ecstatic i could do that for her.
But, on the drive home, i just felt... empty.
I felt dirty, I felt gross, i felt like i should never have sex again. It was a horrible bitter feeling that i can still remember to this day. But after i slept and woke up and all that and we were still together, i shoved those feelings down and continued our relationship. We had a few calls after that and didnt meet up due to distance and schedules, and eventually she just didnt want to call anymore, didnt really talk to me anymore, and we broke up.
After that, my mind made the connection that this sexual experience was not as great as i had romanticised it in my head, but that I had an unsavory experience.
More fog cleared up and i thought about what she did and vocalized it, and realized she pressured me into taking off a condom. That i was definitionally sexually assaulted.
I felt shocked to use the term, but it was true. By definition, it was sexual assault. But as time passed, that thought resolved itself. I was a victim. That it happened. I'm not ready for any relationship at all, but I know what to do when I get into one, to be more in touch with my intuition.
But now, as I'm writing this and thinking back, I still feel awful. I have a pit in my stomach. Whenever I feel aroused or masturbate, I always think of her, I think of that, and it makes me feel strange. Sex is so damn confusing, and I don't know why I feel horrible about it even 6 months after.
I have no clue how to cope, but I have bigger fish to fry with my therapist (daily moments of horrible anxiety to normal everyday things). And since I got reminded of it, I posted here.
Sorry if it's long winded, but I really need help.
What do I do to reduce the pain? I'm already going through so much, I don't need more. "Waiter: more suffering please :D !"
So what do I do? What should I do? I'm confused, scared, and I need advice.
TL/DR: Got dragged along in a really fast first romantic relationship, she pressured me to remove my condom during sex. Am still feeling awful months after, looking for advice.