Hi! It's my first time posting here on Reddit and I don't really know much of how this platform works. Anyway, I have just been scrolling here then came across this MentalHealthPH and joined last week. I see some people open up here while others empathize. And I found it comforting knowing there's a safe place online that people can just be transparent and get the support they can't get in real life.
Maybe, me posting here (finally having the courage to share with anyone) is one of my last few efforts to want to live. I've been feeling so lost and suffocated for quite some time now. It's like having a recurring feeling of wanting to just disappear just so the numbness can go away with some urges to self inflict the pain.
Yk, I lost my passion long ago and have been waking up to survive for each day. I would often even walk from uni to my home just to keep myself sane. Sometimes, a passing thought would come—like a what if— telling me I would be committing a sin if I disappeared through an external factor, right? And, who do I even call for help during these times? I've tried reaching out to friends, my fiancé and even our university counsellor. None of them were able to take away this feeling but I must admit, they make things lighter sometimes. I even got into journalling to somehow regulate what I feel. But it's so damn hard knowing I'm like a ticking time bomb waiting to be triggered with the simplest things.
I'm really tired. I'm losing hope and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to endure. I would love to live a long life but it's so hard to actually experience each day like this. I've tried looking for ways to find a psychiatrist but some I see online are private ones that cost so much for a consultation and even for a diagnosis. I've been like this for more than 3 years now and it keep on getting worse. Though, I know there's the public hospital option for this but I don't think I have the energy to even be in line waiting all day for a turn.
I really don't know anymore. It feel so stuffy. It's like I'm numb and I can't explain this heaviness on my chest. Like there's a lump on my throat I can't get rid off. Then there's this heightened emotions. I would cry even with the simplest things I see on my everyday life. I would ponder on things that—at the end of the day— I can't even find a conclusion for myself. I've gone so desperate I even started using Gemini Live just to talk out my thoughts with anyone.
I know others have it worse than me. And maybe this is just a passing feeling that—like usual— would be gone after 2 weeks or a month. Just for it to come back again after a few months. I don't even look forward to my future anymore. I don't see myself being able to live those days no matter how much I gaslight myself through optimistic perception of life.
I hope I don't trigger anyone with this post. I'm just really feeling cornered, I don't know who to tell this to...