I have trouble keeping restraint and not breaking the precepts.
For example i get a lustful/sexual thought, in the moment i comprehend that this thought is dangerous and against the goal/virtue (Dhamma practice), not the thought itself but its implications, its leading me a certain way (pressure), and in the moment even though i know logically that this way is leading to danger and suffering and not ultimate satisfaction. I still get hooked by the prospect of pleasure and relief, which builds up more internal conflict and resistance to the idea of acting out until i completely lose perspective and become an animal/beast and act out.
and when i try to understand where i went wrong after breaking the virtue (HH and SH youtube channels) its many different answers that are correct but i feel they don't solve the problem. Such as you dont understand the danger enough, or you didn't endure on the right level, or you are not developed in the body, you chose to give in.
ive watched pretty much all the videos of HH and SH and many multiple times even up to 10 times some of them, and i've contemplated the teachings, all this over a time span of multiple years, and it all makes sense to me logically, i believe/have faith it is right. ive been long past the dunning-kruger effect, i know also logically that i dont understand truly what they are talking about because im not a sotapanna.
i feel like ive had more than enough information about how to practice the Dhamma, its just that im not restraint enough. and they say you have to purify bodily and verbal conduct before you can purify or even see the mind and start to purify that (simile of purifying gold). and i get that to a degree, but in my experience its the mind/mental states and the thought that pressure me to seek relief (yes from that greater underlying pain of suffering), so if these things originate at the mind and it presents me with the mental thoughts it want me to act out from (like Ajahn said the mind has a mind of its own) why do i have to stop my bodily behavior, which is way down the line of giving in and acting out of craving, like the mind gets a sensual desire first but i am told that as a puthujhana i cant see my mind thus focus on "impeccable virtue". isnt it just better to stop the craving in its emerging domain first, before it spills out into other domains because yes in a fundamental level you cant handle the pressure or endure on the right level when you have lost your perspective (because i got careless). and somehow i have to balance this with training gradually also, so not doing to much at once? but not too little as well? How to determine what pressure to prioritize to not act out from, when all pressure shouldn't be acted out from? Just how do i get to the actual goal and understand the dhamma? any ideas? In one video on SH bhante Anigha said that "when you want to act out, just dont" (very close to this atleast), and like this is stating the obvious. and its correct but its not that helpfull, is he implaying that we have ultimate control/choice? so a fully addicted drug addict for >10 years or other type of addict can just stop when he decides?
its like yeah its his choice that frees him but that doesnt mean he wont relapse, like at the same time tha wild animal gets compared to a strong animal like a wild bull elephant while we are the weaker animal that has to tame it smart. like we cannot just overpower it by sheer will, or can we? is the ability to consciously choose just a muscle that has to be trained as much a possible, so that when unwholesome desire arises we can stay clear from acting out? if so how to prevent burning out and relapse?