I had a terrible childhood, but I'd rather be unaware. Being an adult, processing my childhood, not being able to sleep, and being aware of the state of the world is just overwhelming. I'd rather be young again, 14, not knowing why it was illegal in the first place for me get married. I'd rather be young again, 5, not understanding why adults of different skin colors hated each other. 10, not knowing about politics. I didn't get taught hatred by my parents, and that's the only thing they've got going for them. By the time I learned what kind of people they were, I was too old to be influenced.
I don't know if I envy or pity the ignorant people of our world. At least they're happy, even if they're part of the problem. I don't enjoy ignorance and bigotry. And I've learned that high intelligence and high awareness means you're just going to get more depressed. The more I learn about this fuckass world the less I want to be here. How terrible the majority of countries are. How people just hate because they were taught it. How intelligent women just aren't allowed to exist. I feel so alienated. It stresses me out daily. I'll be gray before my thirties because of this terrible, terrible world along with my terrible, terrible childhood.
Along with adulthood came learning about what my childhood did to me. All of the diseases and disorders. My fried nervous system. I liked it when I didn't know. When I just knew something was wrong with me, not what and why. Learning that my body is wrong because of a developmental disorder that went unnoticed. It's all devastated me over the years. I wish I wasn't such a curious youth. I wish I didn't know anything. I wish I was some blonde talking about Coachella rather than having breakdowns and nightmares. I wish I didn't know. And I'm not even at the point of un-repressing my memories. I'm not even there yet and I'm so very devastated already.