When I was 19 I was involved with a 36 year old man. We worked for the summer season at the same hotel, he was a chef and I was waitressing. For context I had just gotten out of weed induced psychosis, my confidence was at an all time low. I was doing group therapy at NA center and working through emotional neglect during childhood. It all started with him making flirty comments at me and always offering to make me lunch during breaks and stuff. He really liked techno and we bonded over that as well as talking alot about drug use. However I was trying to stay sober and he knew that. He made me feel special and seen and was the one that understood my family issues validating the fact that he saw my father cheating on my mother and openely flirting with other women (My father is the manager of the hotel). I felt seen and It was the first time I got attention from a man. As we kept talking I started resenting my family more and spending more time with him, he invited me to his place we listened to music,smoked etc. Thats when we had sex for the first time. However as things went on the sex become more violent and he started suggesting we do things I wasnt really sure about. I remember one time he was telling me about his ex wife he got angry explaining how she fucked him up and how crazy she was I remember wanting to make him feel better and not knowing how other than giving him my body thats when he hit me during sex for the first time. Another important fact is that everybody knew that he was divorced and his ex wouldn't let him see the kids. He always painted her as being crazy and trying to punish him by not letting him see his kids.
Mind you throughout all of this i though i was the one in control, I though I wanted this manipulating him into havjng sex with me. And I was adamant on fihuring out why he wasn't allowed communication with his daughters. So one night after staying over he left early for work and i was able to sneak into his computer and and get his passwords, I logged into his instagram account and found some old messages. Thats where I came across a court document and his wifes restraining order. He was found having installed a secret camera in the girls (aged 5 and 7) bathroom and sharing the material online. Even after figuring that out all I wanted was for him to tell me so he could see that no matter how fucked up he is I would still love him. It took me 3 years to realise that I might of possibly been groomed, after a year of therapy my self esteem has gotten better and i can see how fucked up this thing was however I cant fully shake of the fact that I wanted it and also that the sickness of it turned me on. That I am a perverted person who kept going back.