TDLR; 29F with a 5-year-old is dealing with depression, burnout, and a physically/mentally exhausting job while trying to manage a strained relationship. Her partner criticizes her for small messes but responds with extreme verbal abuse, destruction of her belongings, false cheating accusations, and even threats of harm. Past incidents include serious negligence that led to their dog being severely injured. She feels emotionally broken, scared, and stuck—struggling with self-worth, overwhelmed by responsibilities, and unsure how to leave or cope, while still trying to give her best to work, her child, and her partner.
Hi, I don't usually post unless I need others to help me clear some fog. I'm a 29(F) and my household has my partner 32(M) and our 5yr son.
I was recently diagnosed with depression, I didn't think I had depression. I brought it up to my doctor that I'm burnt out all the time and it has been a constant battle between my and my S/O. I told her when I'm out working my heavy labor job and people nonchalantly approach me to have conversations I do not want to engage and found little meaning in brief chats. I was distancing myself in my bedroom because it was the only quiet room in the house. Not totally shutting myself out but just trying to mentally recover after a draining day of trying to get by again.
My partner has voiced that he would like me to pick up after myself through the week which I didn't have a problem with accepting that. I know I come home tired and don't even think to consider my trash being left like a pop can on the table empty or leaving used makeup wipes in the mornings, or coming home and leaving my backpack on the floor and even though I do place it on the floor I try to tuck it under the table or lay it next to the couch between the wall.
I just don't have a lot of time in the week to constantly be on top of everything. When I come home from work I have to at least clean something so I can say I did get something done that day. I work 8a sometimes coming home as late as 6:30. He works from like 6:50a to 12p and has the rest of the day. I do understand his frustration with feeling the need to ask these things many times because I've missed something that day or whatever. I just do what I can to have 1 thing done to help when I get home and on the weekends I deep clean.
So that's one thing we come back to arguing about but when he gets angry he attacks my esteem and says when he looks at me all he feels is stress. Hes said he's repulsed by me, not attracted to me anymore, doesn't love me. If I leave things out like I left a hairdryer out the night prior to drying our sons hair before bed and he threw it across the house along with my purse and makeup bag the next day and just seems to break my things as punishment. I think the worst of that was 3 years ago he asked me to clean the dog cage and I had not gotten to it yet but fully intended on, it just had globs of her fur I had to pick up and wash the cage but instead he was pissed I didnt get to it then so he let her out and she ran off and she had been hit by a car and had to have her leg amputated. I made him pay for them to try and save her leg but it was shattered. I'll always live with that guilt. I surrendered her to my grandparents and to a safer environment.
I just don't feel human anymore. When I look at him and just hope he's thinking nice things about me or how lucky he is to have someone who may not be perfectly perfect but has always gone the mile for him never give up on him. Then reality smacks me in the face and I remember all the things he said. Yesterday when I got home from work he accused me of cheating saying I smelled like dick and my mouth smelled like I had sucked dick all day. I can't even explain the feeling I felt. Betrayal? I know I felt an abundance of embarrassment followed by feeling so fucking degraded. I'm not the kind of girl to cheat, I've never slept around and I fully commit myself to my relationships. Married to a highschool sweetheart from age 14-22 divorced and met the guy I'm with now and it's been 8 years with him. Honestly my marriage wasn't good either. I got physically abused he was a naval police office and kept me heavy under his control since I was young.
I'm to the point where my current partner thinks it's ok to express to me he wants to inflict harm on me because I am so stupid and stress him out. I don't know how I let it get to that point and did not draw the line. I'm scared I wont even realize when he starts taking it further because if I didn't say anything now what makes me think I'll speak up then? I feel stuck, I don't want to reach out to anyone and burden them. I don't want to play this game of endurance anymore. I'm breaking down at work I can't handle any criticism from anyone anymore without immediately getting defensive in fear of being in trouble. I can't raise our son without him I never intended to have a baby and not have the help. I'm just too scared to do or go anywhere. I don't even know if I'm ready but I'm silently dying in side while I'm trying to sidestep any conflict from all points in my life. My nervous system is on overload. I tried to call my psychiatrist because I missed the telehealth appt I thought I was just suppose to receive a phone call (mind you I got screwed at work and had to work later than I intended because other people weren't doing the job to the fullest) so I reached back out to her and they explained to me how it worked and I apologized and we rescheduled and then she sent me a $75 fee no show charge I've never been charged for not showing and so I was sobbing in my car on the way home. It truly feels as if the universe is against me and I can't tell anyone. I don't even want to tell anyone because I don't want empathy. I just want everyone to know that I'm always giving the people at work, my partner, my son %100 of my capabilities but I feel like pieces of me are being taken too and I have no sense of self, no foundation to build myself up on and I can't even look at myself in the mirror without seeing what his version of me must be. 😞