I (27F) and my partner (28M) have been together for a little over 5 years now.
We both love to travel and often do it alone or with other friends if the other person isn’t available. About 2 years ago, he went to a trip with his cousin and they a few people they became friends with. One of the girls was Kelly(28-30F).
So at start it was kinda a group thing, 2 guys including my partner, 3 girls including his cousin and Kelly. They all turned out to be from our city so they hung out a few times afterwards. Then as usual it all faded away except my partners friendship with Kelly.
My partner runs a small agency, and she hired him for a project. I didn’t think much of it then but it has been bothering me for sometime now and I do-not know how to bring it up without it sounding like an accusation.
I had to move to a different city as I my job required me to, and we have been long distance for about a year and half now. While earlier we weren’t together ( he lives with his mom, she is old and requires assistance and be doesn’t want to leave her alone), but he worked from my place and spent 70-80 percent of his time at my place.
Around that time, Kelly was searching for a new place to move in and my partner had been looking for a space to work from since I was moving. So, they decided to rent a studio they both could work from, with attached living space for her, and he was paying a portion of the rent. So now he started spending most of his time there working with her.
I was not very happy about it, not because I felt insecure then, but I felt replaced. I felt by the time i left the city he had a backup place and backup person ready. Given her project was huge and became my partner’s only source of income I didn’t want to interfere. But I brought it up later when they started hanging out more outside of work, going out drinking and eating etc. his initial reaction was “ Well you are the one who decided to move.” He also said this was the cheapest option and renting alone would be very expensive for his business which is true, and I understand that it makes sense logically but I didn’t like the arrangement. And he doesn’t really have other friends to go out with much. His close friends got married, one even has a kid so they didn’t hang out much. Nevertheless I let it slide as I didn’t want my insecurity to affect his work.
Another 6 months in I realise she has blocked me on Instagram. I have met this girl once, and we didn’t talk more than a couple of words. I hung out with the group once early on, she was there but she apparently had a headache so she kept to herself and left early. So I couldn’t think of any reason for her to block me. When I told my partner, he said she might be just jealous of my recent travel pictures I shared on Instagram. And that she’s very competitive, envious and impulsive type. It was his reaction to this that bothered me most. And I felt angry that my partner didn’t feel any anger on my behalf. I tried bringing this up again and asked him why he didn’t react much when someone he closely worked blocked me. He was like because there’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t confront her because he can’t risk jeopardising his work. And she is emotionally unstable and has extreme reactions to smaller things.
After this he pretty much stopped talking about her or his work with her, and only talked about her when they had disagreements or argued about work.
Later when I meet his cousin and I mentioned to her that Kelly blocked me in Insta. She was like of-course she doesn’t like you because she has a crush on him. And everyone else in that group discussed about it when she behaved differently when I hung out with them .Well his cousin never liked Kelly very much from the start, she used to say that early on too. And she has expresses multiple times that she doesn’t know how my partner is friends with her because her personality is intolerable, overbearing and emotionally unstable.
After all this I do feel Kelly carries a torch for him or at least did at some point in time. My partner has denied this every time I brought his up and I think either he is completely oblivious to it or knows it and ignores it. As of right now my partner doesn’t work with her, but still works from her place. And I want to bring this conversation again as I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with their friendship.
Now I do-not know if all this could be emotional cheating, could it be? Where donI draw the line at friendship and emotional affair? Sometimes I feel like I should ask for his phone, but I also do-not want to do that because I think then its reached a point so detrimental to the relationship its beyond return.
Is there anyway to figure out other than asking him without sounding like an accusation?
TL;DR- My partner became friends with Kelly about 2 years ago. I moved to a different city 1.5 years ago. Around then they started working together and rented a workplace where he spends most of his time. She blocked me on instagram a year ago. I want to figure about how to best approach my partner about this?