I am in my late 20s, married and my mom had always planned on caregiving for her mom, but she got her dream job, is in denial about state my grandmother is in, and the last attempt she made to help my grandma when she had more of her faculties was met with nastiness and she had to put boundaries to project her sanity. She was abused by her mother as a child which created a family system of making sure Grandma gets her way at all cost, so when her dad died my mom promised my grandma she wouldn't ever put her in a home or argue with her, that whatever she wanted is how things would go.
My husband and I had to move in for financial reason, but now that we could move out it's clear my grandmother shouldn't be living alone. She's showing signs of dementia, more than memory loss and somewhat frequent falls, it's difficult for her to communicate her sentences are getting simpler and more broken, her hearing is bad, she's not driving safely, she just anxiously jumps from task when wants done right now to the next, but needs supervision because she hurts herself trying to do them. I can't leave the house expect for work because she throws a fit, and really I probably shouldn't be leaving her alone at all. My mom doesn't have the time to give my grandma the time she needs and is visblely miserable in her presence, to the point of being rude ( tones clearly showing that she doesn't want to be there, exasperation, rolling her eyes huffing, it would appear she's playing the victim and looking for pity of you didnt know the history) in ways my grandma can't understand. I can't really blame my mom, because with how my grandmother has treated her all her life she really shouldn't feel obligated to do anything for her. But she goes with her to most of her appointments and helps our with bigger household projects every once and a while, and with her schedule that's a sacrifice. I've ended up in the primary care giver position without the title, under the authority of both my mom and my grandmother who has always controlling and manipulative before she started to decline. So I can't get the ball moving on grandma getting diagnosed, her losing her license, making an appointment to get her ears checked, because whatever grandma wants goes. I believe she's starting to sundown and the exhaustion is effecting my work performance. I'm willing to make the sacrifices to take care of her, and I'm willing to not have recognition. We are buying a RV so we can have our own space and still be on property. But I don't know if I can do anything about the power dynamics, because I don't think my grandmother can make choices for herself anymore, but my mom enforces whatever choices she makes even when they have dangerous outcomes. What if anything can I do in my position to get things going in the right direction?
Or is it a choice of accept the situation and understand that it's my choice to take care of my grandma within my family dynamic, or to chose to not take care of her and know she's not getting much of the help she needs?