So maybe I'll start with what changed since 2023, because a lot did. And to be honest, it all changed for the worse, but I'm slowly rebuilding myself.
So here it is: I had a beautiful and loving girlfriend. To this day, she's the only person in my entire life who ever said "I love you" to me, and she's also the only one who ever heard those words from me. I traveled a lot back then, both around Poland and abroad. I had goals, plans for the future. I was saving up money so we could finally move out of our parents' places and have an easier start, instead of beginning with empty pockets. I was thinking a lot about the future back then. I also had a place you could actually call home.
All of that was taken away from me in the span of a month because of two stupid decisions made by two women: my mother and my now ex-girlfriend. We broke up around that same time. My father and I went through it really hard. He escaped into alcohol, and sometimes I drank with him. The atmosphere at home was so bad you didn't even want to be there. I didn't have any real friends to reach out to, because the only person I had was my girlfriend. And when she left, everything I had in my life basically left with her.
I ended up completely alone and started running away into drugs. Later, I started hanging out with the people I was getting high from. It was easier that way, because suddenly I didn't have any problems in my head anymore. And I didn't need to sleep when I was high, and the nights were the worst. I spent more than one night crying into my pillow. And I'm a really tough guy. Probably only one person has ever seen me cry.
Eventually, my father went to see some kind of specialist. He moved out and started getting his life together on his own. He left the house to my mother and moved to an old farm property in the countryside that he had, and now he's slowly fixing it up. I spend time partly at his place, partly at my mother's, but I have this feeling like I don't have a place of my own.
Life feels monotonous. Every day is the same: work, gym, sleep. Maybe on the weekend I'll meet up with the guys somewhere and do something. I haven't been on a vacation anywhere in 3 years. I don't have anyone to go anywhere with. Finding someone new isn't easy either, because I can't seem to fall in love or get attached. I don't care about people the way I used to. I got hurt back then, and I guess subconsciously I'm blocking myself somehow. I can see someone every day for months, and then we'll have a fight, the contact breaks off, and it just rolls right off me. I don't do anything to renew that contact. I just don't care about it at all.
I often find my thoughts going back to what I had those 3 years ago. And honestly, I miss it more and more