u/EfficientDuty4229

I come from 2 parents who were constantly working, I'm disabled and was heavily bullied therefore I became severely introverted to the point one of my first experiences in school was my parents attempting to get me to socialize. This means I spent the majority of my life very isolated from my peers due to my own volation, their young disgust for the disabled and my parents work schedule and violent relationship.

Naturally, this means I did what every only child has done, played by myself. Which now looking back meant me as young as 5 playing scenarios by myself, by 8 I knew these scenarios were very fake and I was essentially playing pretend but I vividly remember my eager waiting for my parents to leave so I could prance around and loudly act out these scenarios. As I've gotten older, I've not only avoided people on the bus with headphones and talking to myself. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm talking to myself. That was at 14, I'm now 20 and it's much worse.

I avoid people to spend hours at a time daydreaming, I'll discociate for hours in a daydream, my daydreams will bleed into my sleeping dreams. I take constant breaks during any tasks I do to daydream. During conversation my mind wanders, art is my main hobby and now I've started drawing out these characters both original characters of mine and different fictional ones. I love writing, I lose myself in the worlds I create them I don't write.

I genuinely don't know how to stop, it's in everything I do, for as long as I can remember.

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u/EfficientDuty4229 — 10 days ago

I've always been obsessive, from favorite colors, fictional characters or fictional stories, favorite classes, types of jewelry, clothing aesthetic, friendships ECT.

I've always been 100% about everything, I did it at 4, liked it at 10, loved it by 16 and haven't dropped it since I picked it up.

My hobbies/favorites? The colour purple, everything that I can get purple is. I wear the same type of jewelry I did at 14. The style I invisioned at 8, I fully embody now. Every hobby I had at 6, I've advanced in at 20. None of them have changed, I simply move to each hobby throughout the day/week. The foods I was disgusted by have only strengthed my disgust. Anything I disliked at 4, I've grown to loathe now. The distance within my parental relationships has only grown. My love for analytical English essays and arguing in 5th grade has grown to a love of analyzing people and the psychology behind them.

My values/beliefs? 100% the same, I simply have more tact than I did at 4 and wouldn't endanger myself needlessly.

My overall opinions/reactions? 100% stand by what I did, I could have been kinder perhapss but I was still right. I only regret the type of reaction I responded with. Ex: Reacting loudly and irrationally instead of remaining calm, feeding into my anger which did more damage to me instead of anyone else.

Most if not everything about me has stayed the same if not gotten stronger. Everything I felt as 5 but couldn't identify, I feel thrice as strongly at 20. Nothing has truly changed, I truly don't feel like I've grown as a person because while I have strong values/beliefs I still have a massive capacity for things to be in a grey area.

I'm currently struggling in my romantic relationship because this is my first healthy relationship and I'm not obsessed, it's more casual. I've never been casual about anything, let alone calm. I'm always obnoxious or dramatic or obsessed, it feels like I'm not in love but I do love him.

I can't tell if it's self sabotage because of a childhood of isolation/toxicity in every romantic relationship before this both that I was in/watching or if I'm not interested enough.

But does anyone else relate to this?

reddit.com
u/EfficientDuty4229 — 10 days ago