u/Efficient-Tea-3373

Sorry if this is the wrong chanel or format - I’m new to reddit but I have nobody I can speak to about this in real life.
I (18f) was SA’d at 12 years old. I only know this because I found out I was pregnant after my period was late (which led to miscarriage at 11 weeks), and also from some more physical stuff that I don’t know if I can mention on here. I’ve struggled significantly with my mental health over my teen years too. I was lesbian, sex repulsed and a very quiet & shy kid so there is 0% chance it was anything ‘consensual’ (not that a 12yo can consent, but I think you get my point). I refused to talk to police or anyone because I was scared and also felt like I didn’t have anything to say. I have brief weird memories of it in flashbacks, but nothing clear. It’s really difficult to explain. I know this is bad, but I try to tell myself and my family that it was a stranger because I can’t stand the thought that my abuser could still be around me. But truthfully, I have no idea who did it to me, when/where and how many times, and since what age if it was more than once. When I attempted to explain this to my therapist, she said that I “don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality”. Sorry this is a bit of a rant/vent, but I’m so so fed up. I feel like nobody understands and I’m just ‘stuck’ and alone.
How do I get these memories back? I know people say “you will get them back when your brain is ready for it”, but what if that is never? I’ve had a lot of time to process and I’ve done many different types of therapies, and barely anything has changed. I cannot go my whole life without knowing who did this. Also, when I see people talking about repressed memories, I’ve never heard of others forgetting practically everything about it within 6 weeks maximum (I was approx 6 weeks pregnant when I found out). What do I do? Has anyone else been in a similar position, what helped you?
Any advice is appreciated :)