24 days sober, my birthday, risky sexual encounters and a mental breakdown
Hello everyone,
Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. Because of my Borderline Personality Disorder, I also developed an alcohol addiction. I’m now 24 days sober. Both are currently being treated, and I need to stay sober in order to be admitted to a clinic. Instead, I’ve recently been struggling more with self-harm again, and I’ve been coping through risky sexual encounters.
I prepared carefully for my birthday because in previous years, I always spent it ending in an isolated blackout.
Until noon, my parents stayed around me constantly, and afterwards I met up with a guy I’ve been sleeping with more frequently for about a month now. I have to admit that my sick brain already became way too attached to him, even though neither of us is looking for a relationship. But I was already on my way to creating another “favorite person.”
The day actually went really well, but in the evening everything exploded. I had a complete mental breakdown in front of this half-stranger. I cried nonstop for two hours and dissociated. I felt completely detached from myself and genuinely thought I was going to die. And all of this happened because I confronted myself with a lie I created during my active drinking.
I had lied to him and told him that before him, I hadn’t had unprotected sex with any other man. That wasn’t true. Two days before we met, I had drunkenly slept with a stranger without protection. Unfortunately, it’s still too early to get tested — I have to wait a few more weeks.
I was so overwhelmed by the situation. Why did I tell him that and put myself in this position? I honestly don’t know. I felt like the worst and most disgusting person on earth, someone who never deserved love. Even though he’s technically just a man I sleep with, my brain had already become far too attached to him, and his reaction triggered pure panic inside me.
Because I couldn’t calm down, I asked him if he could drive me the 100 km back home in the middle of the night — and he did. Thank you for that.
But here’s the positive part, the thing I’m actually proud of: neither last night nor today did I buy alcohol. Instead, despite feeling terrible, I spent the entire day walking outside and facing my lie and my actions.
Addiction turns all of us into liars. We do things our sober selves cannot stand behind. We lie to protect ourselves. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to be a liar anymore.
I’m ashamed of this lie, but today I radically accepted that I cannot undo it. The only thing I can do now is this: learn from the situation, stay sober, and act better and more responsibly in the future. And that is exactly what I’m going to do.
Stay strong!!