I’m not really sure if my assaults are even considered as rape. At 14 I was raped by an older guy due to me sneaking out, I didn’t do much to really stop him because I didn’t really know what exactly to do since this was the first time anything like that had happened. I told him it hurt and kinda pushed him away but he told me to be quiet so I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine a place that brings me comfort . After that I don’t know why but I kept sneaking out with older guys and I don’t know what I expected but of course , it always ended the same. But the thing is it’s just like I keep allowing it to happen because I’m afraid to just say no and I keep putting myself in these situations by sneaking out but I really don’t realize the danger until everything’s over, I struggle with bpd and one of my main struggles with that is impulsive decisions. I guess I’m tired of being the girl that just lays in that cold bed , underneath a man and just wondering , “why does this have to keep happening, will it ever stop if I can’t even help myself?”
u/Effective_Coyote7134
I know most people wouldn’t be able to understand so i don’t really talk about the things ive been through , not even to my therapist. I mean how do you tell someone you’ve been raped multiple times without worrying what they’re thinking. It sounds unbelievable, I mean a lot people wouldn’t even believe if I were just raped once but really, they have no idea what happened to me those nights. Yeah I was stupid and reckless but I never wanted what happened to happen. Maybe it is my fault for putting myself in those situations and not trying harder to stop them and sometimes letting it continue but the only reason for that was because I guess it started to become something that kept happening to me so much that it became normal. I’m so scared of everything now and every night as I lay my head on my pillow and close my eyes , all I can remember is laying in those beds with my eyes closed and wishing to be home.