They are fine. They succeed. They have stress as all humans do, but….do they stress about not getting what they want?? They succeed at splitting up parents and children. Their kids are pawns. No one has a voice or opinion or condition or concern or spirit that matters more than theirs. No one has suggestions or loving concerns for them that’s better than what they can already tell themselves. If anyone does then it’ll be a huge protest and they’ll quietly implement it as if their loved one didn’t tell them about it. They get to be selfish and breakup with whomever for whatever reason with no regard to the other parent or their pawn children. They also get to demand you stay in a relationship they would never settle for themselves. The lawyers and judges help them. Even your lawyer acts and talks like she works for them. The police officers definitely help them. The school administrators tell you god works in mysterious ways when they don’t add your name to the very short list of adults who can check out their pawn children from school. They get to push and shove and interfere and feign innocence and it works.
They must have so much fun and be so happy underneath all their insecurity. Or maybe it’s in alternate layers like an onion so they don’t have to dig too deep to access the fun and thrills of being victorious yet again. They get to isolate you and no one believes a freaking word you say. No tear is noticed that you cry. Your stomach aches and aches and aches and now you have an allergy and struggle to feed yourself or focus on yourself. An allergy to life makes more sense. An allergy to all the insanity and pain you most definitely experience being near them.
You get to be neglected and abused and manipulated and then you still get to hear, Leave all that in the past, Forgive them, Let all that go, It already happened. Guess what. I would L O V E to leave it in the past. It’s not there in the past and neither is the abuse. It’s active and continues today. I’m sure I’m living incorrectly and should be more holy and faithful and trusting. You get to be blamed and responsible for the mess and trauma with them AND without them. And you get to hear people say, Be grateful, What are you proud of about yourself? Nothing. I can’t think of anything to smile about. Maybe because i awake in physical and emotional pain every. single. day. Maybe because i care about my life and my results and i keep getting proof that none of what i want matters. If it did then why is there such proof all over that I’m not valuable? Not to them but to me. Not to them but to whatever source of love and life is the reason for me living in hell on earth.
So happy to be here without any of the success or dreams or needs met or desires that i have. I see that it’s possible for them and even for others who are not life-suckers. I don’t care to see it anymore if i cannot be myself and finally be safe. There is no point. I have no safety. I have no true calm. I have attempts that do not work. I have no trust. I have all lies. I have discomfort. I have a voice saying to try harder/you must have missed a step/they’re just hurting and we’re neglected themselves. I was and i didn’t choose to be ruthless or vengeful. My results are trash just like what i would expect theirs to be for being malicious or unattuned or accidentally toxic.
They have financial independence, a home, vehicles, skills, education and degrees, a plethora of people who side with and support them. I’m on the wrong planet or am highly confused on what morals are. Maybe I’m just too terrified to be bold enough to take from people and that’s my problem. I think if my conscience allowed it then i would have better results like they have. There’s probably a law like gravity that says whatever you take you can keep as long as you don’t feel bad about it. That makes way more sense than me believing: Everything is fine and it’ll all work out.
Who cares if that’s true if i won’t ever see it work out because I’m dead? Or I’ll see it and will be way too exhausted to enjoy the people i love and can relate to finally without any of us being influenced by the miserable. Or I’ll always have to watch my back and my loved ones since the miserable are alive and kicking (Why do they have so much energy to apply in non-loving ways????). I don’t care about any of that. This would just be more proof that i don’t matter and what i need doesn’t matter. It makes sense but i still somehow have hope. I want to thrive and not survive. I want it to be worth all these crusty, dusty, pain-filled and empty isolated yrs I’ve been moving through space and time. I would need a whole new 40 for it to be worth it. I don’t even want to be here that long.
Thanks for reading.