I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for about 1.5 years and I feel completely stuck.
When we met, he told me he had a gambling addiction. I stayed and supported him through that. I don’t know if I “fixed it,” but I was there for him the entire time. He was also getting out of a break-up where his ex cheated on him.
He’s my first everything—first kiss, first relationship, all of it.
At one point, he went back home for 3 months, and when he came back we kind of restarted. It was messy (situationship → relationship), but we ended up living together for a bit and basically building a life together.
Then I found out he cheated on me while he was in Thailand. At first he denied it. I asked him directly and he said no. Later I found out he did sleep with someone there (he said it was a hooker, but they were texting, so I don’t even know what to believe). After that, I also found out he was talking to multiple other girls—like 5–6 people, on apps, etc.
Even after I found out, he stayed in contact with some of them until November.
When I first confronted him about the cheating—the same day I found out—he actually blamed it on me. He said it was because of my mental health that he cheated. I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I’ve had a few rare moments of self-harm when I was really low, but it’s not something he was actively dealing with day-to-day. Still, he threw it in my face and basically said I was the reason he cheated. There was also a time when he shoved me out of his car cause i touched his phone again and asked him why he changed his password if he had nothing to hide (this was 2 days after i found out). Present day, he is like you should be over that - that fact that he cheated but I cant cause every passing day I find out that there was more cheating than that one Thailand trip or one hooker.
I tried to leave multiple times, but I didn’t. I know I should have. I’m not trying to make excuses—I just didn’t have support, and I was also dealing with a really toxic family situation. He was basically the only person I had.
Then in November, I found out I was pregnant. We had an abortion. I’m not over it at all. That honestly broke me in a way I don’t think I’ve recovered from. He also blamed me for the pregnancy and said it was 99% my fault and by march when i was still mourning it - he was like you are being too much... "just don't F****** think about it." Also - while all this was happening - he was crushing on my classmates and telling his friend - smash-able they are.
After that, we kept living together because I didn’t have anywhere else to go emotionally or mentally.
Fast forward to March—we started talking about getting an apartment. I asked him where he sees us in 5 years and why he even wants to move in with me (because deep down I felt like it was just about saving rent). [Cause he jumped at the opportunity of moving in with me and like wasn't really actively working or anything and he wasn't even looking for work until we had separate leases and I basically paid for everything ]
That’s when he told me he doesn’t see a future with me.
So I finally made a decision to leave. I signed a lease with a friend. He got his own place.
We move out in 2 days, and I planned this to be my exit.
But now he’s saying things like I’ll still stay with him, sleep at his place most nights, and that he’s going to make three keys to his apartment—one for him, one for his brother, and one for me. His brother is also coming to stay there.
And it’s confusing me so much because it feels like he doesn’t want to actually be with me, but also doesn’t want to let me go.
On top of that, about a month ago during an argument, he suddenly said things like “you’re it for me,” “I see a future with you,” and “I want to tell my family about you.” But that completely contradicts everything he’s shown me and told me before.
I know logically I should leave:
- he cheated multiple times
- he lied to my face
- he blamed me for his cheating
- he never gave me real commitment
- his family doesn’t even know I exist
- he only says what I want to hear when I’m about to leave
But I genuinely don’t know how to actually let go.
I’m scared of being alone. I don’t really have a support system here in Canada. I’m an international student. My family situation isn’t something I can fall back on. And after the abortion, I feel even more attached and broken.
I feel like I’m addicted to him or something. The worst part is.. it wasn't always bad....we had good parts. so many good parts.
I need advice on how to leave and actually stay gone, not just “you should leave.”
If you’ve been in something like this, how did you actually do it?