today i woke up and it was like a switch had gone off in my brain. i felt nothing for him anymore. all i felt was hatred and disgust for how i let him treat me, and embarrassment for what i let myself go through. can’t really tell if this is me becoming avoidant or just the anger stage of healing. idk but i hope it stays this way for the foreseeable future.
avoidant ex reached out yesterday to say he wanted “closure” because he felt like the bad guy for ending the relationship. the fuck? i wish i could’ve just ignored it but the kind part of me still wanted to give him some healing (which he does not deserve). told him the truth— that he never loved me. he acknowledged i loved him unconditionally yet somehow was still blaming me for being too much and being the reason he broke up with me. lol. they really never change. he told me he felt nothing and that he hasn’t processed the breakup yet— what are you telling me this for. are you hoping i will wait around for you to process it and miss me? i won’t. i won’t keep waiting around for someone who never chose me. the last grace i’m giving him is to hope he never has to process it, because im sure it will be painful. this post is the last bit of energy i will be giving to him. i will shove him into a box in the back of my mind now and never open it again.
i found myself smiling today thinking about the discard. i almost felt psychotic. but i finally am starting to feel free and coming to terms with the end. i recognise now that i lost someone who could never stay for me. someone who was never consistent and would run whenever things got hard. someone who always chose themselves over us. i’m glad they left me because i never would have had the strength to walk away. i would have let them keep cutting me over and over again and bleeding for them in the name of love. but they did not deserve my love. so i will smile today. and i will continue walking away until they are so far in the past that the are a foggy memory, a bad dream.
getting better day by day— but the worst part is always waking up. for some reason i keep finding myself waking up in a panic missing them. that feeling gets a lot better after i fully wake up and pull myself out of it but it’s horrible. anyone else experienced this?
it’s been 30 days since the breakup. i think im finally accepting the end and moving on. i still think about him constantly but i will not reach out again. i have not replied to the last text he sent me (wishing me happiness… how ironic) and i don’t think i will. i hope he never reaches out again because it might ruin all the progress i’ve made trying to crawl out of this hole he’s put me in. I’m still trying to patch up the wounds he’s left. a day at a time.
fuck being empathetic. fuck trying to show up as a human for them. they will only take advantage of it and continue draining you. choose hate. for once choose hate. hurt them back. call them out on their behaviour and then block them. i wouldn’t say this is healthy but this is what helped me. who knows maybe i have turned avoidant too lol. but as the saying goes— when you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. choose yourself for once.
i finally managed to block my avoidant ex 2 days ago. after a whole month of me begging him to give us another chance and trying to show him i could be the person he needs after he discarded me a second time (pathetic, i know). all of a sudden he starts calling me and texting furiously and telling me how i shouldn’t blame him for the relationship ending. i had enough and sent him paragraphs about my feelings and pointing out his avoidant attachment. i guess that made him feel guilty and really start thinking about his actions. suddenly he became so self aware and regretful about his actions and told me he needs to work on himself and do a lot of reflection (which i know is bs anyway). i then told him i believe he never loved me. because how do you go from telling someone that they are the one for you and that you never want to be with someone else to deciding that the relationship just isn’t worth it and that you want something else when i was still making an effort everyday to show him that i was there for him? that triggered something in him and he stated insisting again that he did love me but it was the way we handled our fights that made him lose his love for me. fights that were a result of his actions that caused a ton of mistrust and anxiety btw. i’m sick of it. i finally told him to stop using me to absolve his guilt of losing whatever feelings it was he had for me and blocked him. i hope i can move on from this. i can’t stand feeing this way everyday anymore. it’s been a month since the discard and i still can’t stop thinking of him and my mind won’t stop replaying the memories.