Hey dad... I wish I had the kind of dad I would want there on Friday
I miss having a real dad. But can you really miss something you never truly had?
Ever since he walked away from our family 10 years ago, he became someone I barely recognized. Then things got even harder when I finally started remembering what happened to me as a child. There was never an apology. Never accountability. For a long time, I wanted to confront him, to ask why, to somehow make him understand what he did to me.
But more than anything, I just wanted a dad.
I realize now that a narcissist was never capable of being the kind of father I needed. He wasn’t safe, loving, or supportive. And that hurts in a way I don’t think ever fully goes away. I still catch myself wondering what it would’ve been like to grow up with a dad who truly loved and protected his daughter, instead of hurting her.
But despite all of that, I’m healing. Part of healing is accepting that to him, it doesn’t matter. That I don’t matter to him.
This Friday, at almost 40 years old, after 16 years and two attempts, I’m finally graduating college. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I’m getting things together. Therapy has helped me start understanding my past instead of being controlled by it. I’ve forgiven him for my own peace, but I won’t forget, and I won’t let him back into my life.
The beautiful thing is that even after everything, I somehow built a good life anyway. I married the most incredible man, and for 22 years he’s been my rock through every hard moment. Together we raised an amazing son who’s about to turn 21, and I’m so proud of the person he’s become.
Somehow, I managed not to marry someone like my father. Somehow, through all the depression, self-hatred, and chaos that consumed my teens, 20s and most of my 30s, I still allowed myself that one grace. And somehow, through it all, my husband stayed.
This year feels huge for our family. My husband and I both turn 40. Our son turns 21. I earned my associate’s degree and am working toward finishing my bachelor’s degree by the end of December. I’m healing parts of myself that were frozen in childhood for decades.
And for the first time, I genuinely believe that one day I’ll be okay.
I still grieve the dad I never had. But I’m finally becoming the person I deserved to be all along. The person he tried to destroy when I was little.
But I survived.
And I will keep going. But man I wish I had a proud dad who'd be in the crowd watching on Friday.