u/Edelmania_11

Hello everyone! My wife (32F) and I (33M) are celebrating my wife’s birthday this weekend and she wants to pick out each other’s outfits for our date planned. I’m curious if there are any fashion principles I can use to guide my decision on her outfit.

Here’s some context:

Setting- We have two small children and no extended family around so we don’t get to have dates very often, maybe one or two a year. However it’s not a fancy date. We’re going to Barns & Noble to pick out some books, then to Costco (we just got a membership so we’re picking up our membership cards and scoping out the one closest to us), and then we’re going to a casual chinese buffet restaurant my wife has been wanting to go to for a while.

Weather - looking at sunny and low 70s. We live in Colorado so it could warmer but we’re also going in the evening and it might be a bit brisk once the sun goes down.

My wife’s style - she’s been leaning more towards athleisure the past few years. Think high waisted leggings and crop tops. She’s bookish and a bit nerdy. I did get her a NASA crop top T shirt as one of her bday gifts, if that gives some of the vibes she goes for. However, she does have some cozy sweaters/cardigans that might work.

Additional details - when she mentioned this idea she mentioned a sweater of mine for me to wear because she “loves how my arms look in that sweater” which was really sweet and also made me feel attractive, and I want to do the same for her. There are a few pants/leggings that I have in mind that are not super formal but compliment her wide hips and bum (she really likes those parts of her, as do I), but I’m at a bit of a loss for building a stylish outfit for her.

Also we’ve been super stressed and distant for the past few months. Between stressful public sector jobs and managing a home with a preschooler and two-and-a-half-year-old, we’ve been in the trenches for far too long without a moment to really breathe and have fun just the two of us. Things are on the up and up; we’ve been staying up later talking, we’ve built a roster of people we’re comfortable with watching our kids, and been sharing date ideas. I guess I just want to do right by her and show her that even though things are nuts right now, I’m happy with the life we’ve built together.

Am I overthinking the outfit choice? Probably. But any tips or things to keep in mind to avoid picking out something ridiculous would be greatly appreciated. TYIA

First some back story: my wife (31 F) and I (33 M) met at Youth With A Mission (YWAM), a Christian missionary organization over in 2012. We got married after dating for about 18 months. We were super young (20 F and 22 M at the time) and hadn’t really dated before because dating was seen as secular. As we got older, the stress of being part of a missionary organization started getting to us. In 2016, we felt betrayed. We felt that those we did ministry with were so quick to swear their allegiance to Trump, despite our efforts to try and show that Jesus offered another way. In 2019 we left the mission field. COVID, a new job that had us move across the country, and a couple of kids later, we found ourselves completely disillusioned with Christianity in the summer of 2024. We just couldn’t shake this question that if the people we did ministry with and were “filled with the Holy Spirit” were so quick to abandon the Gospel for political gain, where did the “Holy Spirit” stop and Paul’s own opinions affect the Bible or the Council of Nicaea? We decided to leave the faith entirely and having been living without any religious beliefs for about two years now.

Where I am today: I started going to therapy last Fall. The anger and frustration of trying to hold to the teachings of Christ where others, who knew better, embraced hatred and cruelty finally got to me. I’ve been working through it. A big part of it has been learning to accept myself and give myself permission to have wants and needs. I’ve been trying to replace the thinking that I don’t have any real needs. It was hard to say I had needs when I was taught to compare myself to a man who died on a cross for people who wouldn’t be born for 2000 years.

Now I’m trying to express my own wants and needs. One thing in particular is my marriage. My whole life I’ve been denying my want to be loved how I love. I express desire frequently, I try and flirt with my wife, and I want our relationship to be one of excitement and exploration, as we’ve denied that part of ourselves for almost our whole lives.

The thing is, she doesn’t even try. I express my feelings, and I’m met with apologies and replies that she “just isn’t like that.” Which is fine, And some days I feel like I won’t get to feel any of my desire reciprocated. And now I’m stuck between denying myself and expressing a want that just wont happen.

We’ve had conversations about it but nothing ever changes. No effort on her part at all while I try harder and harder to show her through her love languages (acts of service and quality time).

Im starting to worry that my marriage won’t work for the long haul. I just want to be loved how I love but I don’t know if I will be in this marriage. All because we built it on dating being immoral.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Did it survive? What conversations did you have with your partner? At this point I’ll take any hope.