I’ve always had bad friendships since elementary school, I was the kid getting easily excluded every other morning for no reason or dumb ones. Or I was just totally alone w no friends at all.
In middle school, I had really bad friends but really, they were mean from the very beginning of our friendship (I was a bit dense and had no social cues so I realised it wayyyyy after) and it just got worse and worse by the day till they totally throw me out of the group and kept being mean to me. (I don’t really resent them for that like maybe I was that annoying, but why being mean to me if I was not your friends anymore)
Anyway I think that was really the turning point. As a kid and in my first year of middle school, I was energetic, extravert and more importantly without fear. Cringe or embarrassing were NOT in my dictionary.
But w them I heard it, maybe every single day. Maybe I was, but they really crushed all of my self-esteem and confidence.
Im not susceptible and I love roasting so at first I thought we were all laughing but it became meaner and more targeted, I felt a lot of animosity. It was not even roasting your friend, they just judge me for any and everything I said, did or wore.
Well in conclusion I became introverted, discreet and shy.
But I thought I was healing. I had a good friend group right after them, when I changed school. It was so healthy and funny, they made me feel safe being myself and embarrassing moments became funny, we would laugh it out and get over it. My social skills were at their peak, I was talking to everyone in my grade.
We parted ways bc we all went to different college, and some moved out. I still talk to them but they’re not in my daily life.
And tbh, its only been two years but I feel like I’m totally going backwards.
First of all I’m overthinking like crazy and I get anxious about it. I’m anxious ppl find me annoying, boring, or embarrassing. I HATE being the center of attention. I litteraly tremble and get sweaty hands when doing a presentation.
My social battery is loooow. Talking to someone for more than 5min is draining.
I’m as self aware as I was back then, always wondering if I smell or if my breath stinks.
I never talk to ppl too close bc of that and also I feel like they see all of my default.
Wondering if my face is weird? Is my hair ok? Do I have a stain ? Is my outfit awkward ? am I walking awkward?
I’m even embarrassed to say "hi" or "goodbye".
I’m afraid that the ppl I actually talk to will get tired of me.
I stutter a lot lately, I literally can’t talk properly I forget all of my vocabulary while talking, English isn’t even my first language and I speak 2 other languages. I can’t speak, I mix them all, and panic. And it actually makes really awkward interactions, with ppl idk well, bc I actually NEED to finish my sentence. I can’t just stop mid way like w my close friends. I feel so dumb, I can’t talk properly and I usually end up using slangs and an ungodly amount of filler words. Just to remind you, I’m in college…
I embarrassed myself so much ordering, I always use the boards, and when there’s none I get so nervous, I get sweaty hands. I don’t even know where all this comes from I never had speech problems and always had a rich vocabulary. Even in middle school it was not that bad.
Im totally socially awkward, I feel out of space everywhere. I do things awkwardly and when I talk, I clearly see that sometimes ppl are just like "humm…ok…"
Ppl tell me I’m too calm and that I don’t speak loud enough. It breaks me. Bc, wdym Me?! Not speaking loud enough ?! When I said that to my friends they told me I was lying. (Those from high school)
Ppl always found me annoying bc of that (my past "fake" friends were the most annoyed by it and they made sure that I understood that)
Also I’ve always been a bit clumsy with words so I’m afraid of saying something that could hurt ppl and would make everyone hate me. (also happened bfr)
I even panicked one time bc of it and my friend was like, "it’s ok it didn’t hurt me" and she looked at me confused like "why is she making a fuss about it". I felt sooo awkward and embarrassed right after. I was anxious that she would found me weird bc of that, and it made me uneasy to have had a moment of weakness.
I’m the me from middle school again. I feel so weak this days somoene can just side eyes me or say something to me I would break down. I lose my smile and shut up so quickly at anything. Even at my own thoughts, I could think "I talk too much" and I stfu sooo quickly.
Well at least ppl tells me I got a really good self-questioning and good observation. Girl I only do that, I pass my days observing and analysing ppl reaction and keep thinking about it for the whole day.
Social interaction are not my sole problem and all them just makes me want to shut myself in. Or just live in the forest w animals, nature, no bills, no studies and no people.
Well sorry if it’s hard to read, I tried to organise it and not make a lot of errors.