Some of my confusing feeling and hopelessness in that
Hi,
I'm writing this down partly for myself and partly to see if this can be explained and if someone knows what I'm talking about.
Those are some of my experiences with,I think dissociation, but who knows if I'm interring it correctly. In random order and not really connected to each other.
I have issues going on trips. On shorter ones I am doing good until I'm going back home. Than I have a moment when my city and neighborhood doesn't seem familiar and it takes like a day or so for that to disappear. But with it disappear any emotional connection with a trip I been on and Amy joy form it. On longer treats its worse, with time I start behaving not like myself or with elements of an old. Day by day I feel losing controle of those behaviors, I don't want to behave this way and feel so trapped in my body and don't have a choice in what and how I do things. And it takes few days to get back to normal.
I use to have a physical problem with talking about some of my dissociative experiences. Like I had this painful feeling in my head when I tried and feeling like I am not supposed to do that. The more I tried to forsę it out the more I couldn't and was starting lusing my voise and that any thoughts all together.
I can make myself not feel some things. Like I know they are there but I just don't interact with that and can put it aside. And do it for too long cuz it gets overwhelming. But one therapist just said this is not how that works and it is impossible so idk.
When I dissociate I feel anxious (sometimes very extreme) and for some reason it triggers my tiks. Other therapist sait while dissociating I shouldn't be feeling anxious cuz I'm dissociating and apparently the way I explained it, it is not normal.
Apparently emotional amnesia is just a sometimes experience, but I can't connect with most of my past. I just kinda know some things have happened.
I often feel like my body and mind feels exhausted like I'm close to dissociating but than I just can't and feel like I'm forcefully stuck inbetween. But also sometimes I can basecly schedule "dissociation time" and idk how that works.
Sometimes I literally, physically can't move me body like I have no connection to it, but still hear it is just depression..
Similarly to "couldn't talk about my dissociative experiences" I can't do mindfulness or grounding exercises, like it just triggers more dissociation?? This is also why one of my therapist dropped me cuz I was too much and she didn't know what to do with me..
I don't know what to do with myself either. Like, I try to make me work and I have some nice moments but I just basically gave up on helping myself cuz I just don't know how and all I hear is that my experiences are very atipocal but also I feel those experts seem to know rather little about dissociative experience and never really learned anything from them. So now I just kinda exist and don't know how to help myself and it feel rather hopeless.