u/Ecstatic_Neck_2733

When I was around 10 years old my older brother M16 took advantage of me 10F, (I"m now 44) , he called it bellybottom-dance, he gave me presents and told me to not tell anyone about it. I didn't understand it at the time, but later on when I was 18-19 I had a relationship with a man who eventiallly only used me for sex, and after that it just came back to me. Since that I haven't had a a relationship with anyone since I was more than 40 years old, and afterwards I realised it was the same thing that I had in my 20s' so I broke it off. I only realised what happened to me as a child when I was 20 something and started drinking. I've been doing that now for more than 20 years, and still don't consider myself as an alcoholic, I can go months without but I still think about it almost daily. Every time any tv-show I watch features a episode about child abuse it openeds out the wound in me and makes me get a bottle of rum. I don't know how to get over it or quit drinking. I've never told about this to anyone. I've thought about therapy but can't afford it, and since it's been so long I don't think anyone would even believe me