We basically live together, even though I have my own place, and whenever we argue, she reminds me that I’m “at her place.” It makes me feel small, like I don’t really belong and can be pushed out anytime.
She’s had abusive or cheating exes, and I tried to be patient and understanding, but now it feels like I’m constantly being questioned for things I haven’t even done.
I do a lot for her, groceries, cooking, cleaning, taking care of her cat, waking up early just so she doesn’t feel alone. It started as love, but now it feels expected, like if I don’t do it, it means I don’t love her.
And I think part of why I pushed myself so much is because I had this idea stuck in my head of “this is what a man does.” I still hear an older coworker in my head saying I need to be a man, not a boy, so I kept giving more, thinking it would make everything work.
But now I’m just drained.
She rarely initiates affection, kisses, sex, anything, it’s always me. When I compliment her, she shuts it down or turns it negative. She barely compliments me, and even joked she doesn’t want me to get “too confident” so I don’t leave.
There are a lot of double standards too. She can joke about leaving, about being better off alone, even about her weight, like saying she should break up with me to lose it, but if I said anything similar, it would be a huge issue.
And honestly, the gaslighting is getting to me. I’ll try to explain something that hurts me, and it always turns into me being the problem. I’ve caught myself apologizing for things I don’t even understand anymore.
It’s even affected me physically, I had performance anxiety at one point because I felt like I had to be perfect or I’d disappoint her.
The hardest part is when things are good, they’re really good, but when they’re bad, even a little, she goes cold, ignores me for hours like I don’t exist.
And I’m just left there thinking, I give so much, but who’s taking care of me?
At the same time, I’ve never had this much fire in me. This drive to prove myself, to become better, more successful, more disciplined, almost like I want to reach a point where I can show her everything I’ve become.
Like being benched for a long time and finally getting put in a game, you just want to prove everyone wrong.
Part of me knows that fire is good.
But part of me feels like it’s coming from trying to be “enough” for someone who might never actually see me that way.