I fell in love with someone I don’t think I’ll ever forget
I am genuinely scared that this man is going to haunt the rest of my life. We were never in a relationship, we work together still, and it started off as pure attraction and fun. We completely transformed each other in 1 year without ever really dating. He always thought I was perfect (was literally mad about it in the beginning). He went from having anger issues and being hot and cold, to no yelling but still being hot and cold, to consistency and kindness with me that has continued for months no matter if we were on good or bad terms.
I never ever thought I would give a man that yells the time of day to even be near me and honestly I might’ve not if I didn’t see him everyday. But something about him it was like I could see through him, understand him. Even when I had not developed feelings for him, I was attached because I could just see myself in him and love myself through him. He taught me things about myself that I didn’t know. I think our mommy issues manifest in the same ways and that was what felt so intimate. He is like the version of me if I hadn’t met the people who taught me unconditional love and care.
I think what got him so infatuated was that I never got mad or reacted in a way he’s used to in his toxic relationships. I only ever asked him questions about why he was acting the way he was. I never asked him to change, but he did, and it kept shocking me everyday. I loved that he never pointed it out. Everything he did, he showed with action. He was trying to be a better person. II loved the way his mind works. You can easily tell he cares so much but is so protective and has never been able to truly express his emotions.
The way he admires me makes me feel good about myself and maybe that’s all it is, but it’s so intoxicating. It makes me so comfortable to be myself around him because he’s like just entertained, especially because he is a serious and masculine man that doesn’t really ever let his guard down.
For many reasons, we stopped talking. We were hurting each other without meaning to. He emotionally shutdown (he’s an avoidant so it adds up) and I wanted to prioritize myself for some time.
But oh my god that man does not leave my mind. I understand we are not meant to be, especially right now, but I have never wished happiness for someone as I do for him. He had a rough life and genuinely I don’t think anyone has ever truly cared about him even though he’s someone who cares so much and has had to build so many guards to protect himself and always look like he doesn’t care.
To this day, he speaks so softly with me. I know he still yells at people at times and gets angry, but never ever at me anymore. Even in the beginning when he would yell at me, I was not for a second scared or thinking this man would hurt me (and I’ve gone through physical abuse).
It feels really weird to feel like you know someone’s soul so well, when I don’t really know something as simple as his favorite food or movie. Maybe I’m just being young and stupid, but I usually can trust my instincts with people and I trust it with him, especially because other people at work also think he is a good man and cares despite the occasional anger issues.